


To Make the Past Inhabitable

by WaywardSun1



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Banter, Best Friends, Conflict, Deception, F/M, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Sassy, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-18 20:23:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11882133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardSun1/pseuds/WaywardSun1
Summary: Ben is transferred to Philadelphia under Rochambeau after being caught in a lie by Washington. He makes Anna go with him and fully expects her to reunite and reconcile with her husband and his best friend, Selah. Inseperable since early childhood, Ben’s loyalty to Selah always comes first. But on the way to Philadelphia, he soon he finds himself taking solace in lying to everyone around him in order to avoid facing the truth about what he really wants from them both.[This story takes place just after Ben is fired in 408, and ends much differently that the series does.]





	1. What a Tangled Web We Weave

 

**_You will amend yourself._ **

**_No sir, I will not._ **

**_You will amend yourself._ **

**_No, sir, I will not._ **

**_You will ame-_  **

“Ben?”  

"Come in."

For once, Ben was grateful for an interruption of this incessant mental self-flagellation, which came in the form of Anna Strong noisily pulling aside the flap door to his tent. She moved inside, all but nailing him to his chair with a deep-set glare of disapproval.

“Where have you been?” Her tone and expression were rife with annoyance, which he expected - and he had already long formed the apology she deserved for his failure to show up at the barn for two days.

First things first, however. With a gesture that asked her to wait a moment, Ben jerked his attention back to the task at hand, and instantly made up his mind to sign the letter he had been writing for three hours...actually, written two hours ago....he had been staring at it numbly ever since then. But Anna's appearance stirred him back into action; he picked his pen back up, inked it again unnecessarily, and set it to the paper with determination: _Bnjm Tallmadge._

There. It was done. He put the feather pen back in the holder, blew on the paper for a few moments, and turned around to face Anna. But instead of the apology he had planned, he found himself barking out, “What’s the latest news from Mary?”

Anna looked at him askance, a reaction that was becoming all too common these days. “That's what I'm here to tell you. But first…not even a hello, Ben? I waited in the barn for hours for you the last two nights. I’ve had urgent news from Mary since last night, but you didn’t bother to show up-”

“Then you should have come here directly if it was that urgent,” Ben interrupted, unable to quash his  increasing irritation at being repeatedly reminded of his delinquency.

Anna raised an eyebrow at him, but said nothing more. Although armed with a snappish comeback or two, she knew better than to provoke him deeper into the bitter defensiveness he was so prone to lately. He would apologize quickly enough, that she was sure of.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled a moment later as he peeled himself out of his chair and moved to the edge of his bed, laying an arm on the headboard and leaning into it, resting his forehead momentarily with his eyes closed. He was weary, but thankful for company nonetheless - especially from a friend, even if she was mad at him.

Anna pulled up a chair and sat near him, relaxing slightly and making a physical effort to lighten her tone. “Are you alright, Ben?”

He sighed again, and then sat up and rubbed his face. Now his tone was back to normal. “I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you, nor could I get you a message. Washington and I, we...had a falling out the other day, and  I’m confined to my tent until I make a proper apology.”

“An apology? For what?”

“For comparing him to Arnold, among other things.” He massaged his temples vigorously, willing the days-long headache to give him a break.  

Anna’s eyes went wide. “Why on earth would you do that?"

Ben started to answer but changed his mind and laid on his back on the cot instead, studying the hanging lantern that was now swaying from the strong, hot breeze that had filled the tent upon Anna’s entrance. 

"You must apologize, Ben. Right away. Why are you waiting?”

His heart skipped another beat as he pictured the letter now sitting on his desk, ink still drying. 

“I know. I’m due to see him at noon to smooth things out,” he murmured, blushing at the lie Anna would so quickly accept as fact. It wasn’t a pleasant experience to lie to his friends, but he couldn’t seem to help himself lately, and it was becoming easier and easier to do it. In fact....perhaps it _was_ pleasant, at least in the cases where it allowed him to avoid tiresome arguments. Especially with Washington. _What a tangled web we weave…._

“Well, I hope he forgives you.”

“He will. It sounds a lot worse than it was. Anyway, he came around, didn’t he? We’re finally going to Virginia.” He rested his arm over his eyes and began to breathe deeply and slowly in order to once again curb the galloping heartbeat that had stolen nearly all his sleep for the past three nights.

Anna’s perpetual frustration at Ben’s rashness prevented her from sitting still a moment longer, and she sprang to her feet to walk around the tent.  She went to his side table to trace her finger along the crest of his dragoon helmet, and then stole a peek at herself in his shaving mirror. Having sold her last mirror many days ago, she was pleasantly surprised to see she didn’t look nearly as ragged as she felt...a bit thinner, perhaps, but that might have been her imagination.

As she smoothed the front of her dress and dusted off the shoulders, she said quietly, “Word around camp is that you’ve been court-martialed.”

Ben let out a short, mirthless laugh, hoping that it sounded convincing enough. “Thankfully, camp gossip is about as reliable as the Rivington Gazette. Tell me Mary's news, please.”

“Right.” She crossed back over to Ben’s bed and sat back down on the chair previously occupied, lowering her voice even more and leaning closer to him. “Mary said Ann Bates told her she is working directly for General Clinton. She's leaving camp tonight so she can get some intelligence back to him. If you're going to arrest her, you'd better do it now.”

Ben sat straight up at that, eyes wide, all thoughts of the letter vanishing instantly. He stilled for a few moments, the fringe of his epaulettes rocking to and fro from the abrupt movement.

“What time is she leaving?”

“Soon after sundown, I'm sure.”

As usual, Ben immediately had an answer. He inched up to the very edge of the bed and leaned close into Anna, his voice almost cracking in his sudden excitement. “I have an idea. We should have Mary give Mrs. Bates some-”

Anna was not destined to hear the idea at present, for Washington’s life guards were suddenly the latest visitors to the errant major’s tent. For one wild moment Ben was certain they were there to arrest him, but even in his agitated state he realized that was ridiculous and pushed the notion out of his consciousness as quickly as it had appeared.

“Yes?” he asked calmly as one man entered and stood at attention.

“Major Tallmadge, General Washington would like a word.”

Washington was summoning him four hours too early. _Why?_ He choked down the lump in his throat. “Certainly, I’m on my w-”

“No need, I’m already here,” came a deep voice from behind the guards. Washington himself walked in, causing Anna to  leap up. Ben, for once completely caught off guard, was paralyzed into inaction.

Washington bowed slightly and nodded at Anna, and said gently, “Mrs. Strong, would you be so kind...”

“Of course, General. Good day.”

“Good day,” Washington rumbled at her as she departed, but kept his eyes on Ben while doing so.

“On your feet, major.”

Ben leapt up, his embarrassment coloring his countenance from head to toe. All he could think of was that it must have appeared to the guards - and to Washington - that they had caught him with Anna in a compromising position.

Washington removed his hat. “I am sorry to surprise you in your tent. It's rather urgent, and I didn’t feel my office is private enough, with the entire staff in there busy planning our move to Virginia. I need your help on a matter relating to your recent intelligence.”

As he spoke, he crossed the tent slowly and happened to glance down at a letter laying face-up on the desk. It took only the space of a heartbeat for his eyes to spot the words, “... _with much regret I hereby resign_ …” and at the bottom: “...s _ervant, Bnjm Tallmadge_.”

Fortunately, Ben did not notice this fleeting moment, which would likely have sent him into a fit of anxiety. Washington coolly moved on to the end of the dining table, his mood having changed in an instant from determined to concerned. He stopped and stared at Ben, who purposely stood stiffly at attention in order to prevent them from making eye contact.

“How may I be of assistance, your Excellency?” Ben asked, feeling somewhat foolish at his own formality.

Washington, already regretful of the harsh words that had come between them, now found himself struggling with the desire to smooth things over on the spot and wholly forgive his anxious young charge.

_But not now. First things first._

He nodded a dismissal at his guard, who left slowly enough that another hot breeze promptly reinflated the tent, accompanied by a strong and comforting smell of horse and leather. Ben, still feeling somewhat ridiculous, had to fight the urge to relax his posture.

Washington resumed his stroll around the tent, carefully avoiding looking at the letter again. “Colonel Hamilton needs to focus solely on the Yorktown campaign for the time being, so I wish you to meet again with Mrs. Woodhull and urge her to gain every last bit of information from Ann Bates before we arrest her. We will have to do it quickly, before the army moves camp, as I imagine she will try to make her escape then.”

“Sir, we already-”

“What was Mrs. Strong doing here?” Washington interrupted brusquely, his tone tightening as he lowered his voice.  “If the rumors have become fact, I'm obliged to remind you her _husband_ is an influential member of congress.”

Ben silently took a deep breath, feeling a welcome surge of confidence rather than annoyance at the insinuation. He kept his voice perfectly level and calm. “Sir, I know what that must have looked like, but I assure you she was only here to relay some urgent information that Ann Bates had communicated to Mrs. Woodhull last night.”

That did the trick to redirect the General’s attention back to the issue at hand.

“Which is..?”

Ben broke attention, then turned and took two large steps towards Washington so that his voice would not be heard outside. “Bates is working _directly_ for General Clinton, sir. I  suspect she is related to him somehow. I can - ( _no, not me...that’s not my job anymore_ ) - Colonel Hamilton, rather, can plant an idea in her mind of some sort, directly through Mrs. Woodhull. False intelligence. He'll need to move faster than you planned; Mrs. Bates is planning to depart camp this very evening. If Mary can tell her that we're planning to take New York, Clinton might even send up troops from Virginia and further weaken his position at Yorktown.”

The general’s eyes were very wide as implications of the idea hit home, and an odd hint of a smile flashed across his lips for a moment. He nodded in approval. “It appears the task I came here to give you has already been completed, then. Good work. You shall coordinate this plan directly with Mrs. Woodhull and no one else. How do you plan to do it?”

Ben took another deep breath. “I’m not sure yet, sir, but I’ll have no choice but to get Anna involved. If Bates saw me meeting with Mary, the game would be up immediately.”

“Yes, of course. I should have thought of that,” replied Washington instantly, to his credit. “Very well. I’ll leave you to it. Report to me when you have a plan.”

It was one of the rare times Washington had actually admitted an error in judgement, and Ben’s guard dropped completely away in result. Perhaps now was the time to ask _that_ question...he might not have another chance to gain control of the conversation.

“Yes, sir. One more thing if I may, sir?” asked Ben, suddenly feeling like he was sliding down a very steep cliff into the sea. Or possibly into a huge pile of sharp rocks.

“Yes?”

Ben swallowed hard, and by his newest expression Washington then realized what was coming. They both braced themselves in their own ways.

“Sir…not that I’m eager to remind you of such an unpleasant subject, but may I ask if you have made a decision yet on whether I’m to be court-martialed?

 _"_ That depends. Have you made a decision on whether to apologize for your conduct towards me a few days ago?”

 _Shit,_ Ben thought with a repressed sigh _._ Now he had done it. So much for controlling the conversation. _Breathe...._ he drew himself back into attention.

“Yes, sir, and I would like to do so now, if I may?”

“You may.” Washington turned around fully to face him, left wrist resting on the pommel of his sword, face impassive but expectant.

“Your Excellency...I apologize for losing my temper, and request your understanding and forgiveness. It was entirely inappropriate and will never happen again, sir.”

Washington’s eyes narrowed. Ben had lost his temper, true, but that’s not what he wanted Ben to say he was sorry for. Just as the general was about to scoff and make a cutting remark about it, he abruptly recalled his own words to Ben insinuating he was a coward for wanting to move south. No - not _insinuating_. He actually said it outright, hadn’t he? It was absolutely false, of course, shouted out in blind anger...so how was that any more forgivable than being called vain and obsessed? The apology Ben just offered was nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at a truce, but it was certainly better than nothing. Furthermore, he could not see any way to demand more without devolving into another bitter argument over tactics, and he was already on the wrong side of that issue.

His expression deepened into a state of almost comical gravity as he mulled over his options and worked to tame his own temper; in contrast, Ben looked calm and was perfectly still, not appearing to be affected by Washington’s lack of reaction - although he was deeply troubled, of course. His chest had long ago bloomed hot with the worry and regret that took completely took the place of all his earlier confidence. His biggest fear after saying those words was that Washington would take the partial apology as a challenge, or an insult, which was not the intention. There was nothing more he dreaded than the general’s silence and cold disapproval...and, as expected, that’s exactly what he was getting now. He tightened his grip on his sword and willed himself to stay still and quiet.

Just when it appeared there might be a standoff, the two men suddenly made eye contact for the first time in two days. Ben’s open and frank expression was all it took for Washington to accept that he would never get the apology he wanted..not only because Ben was stubborn, which he was - maddeningly so - but also because Ben was right, and they both knew it. Ben had never before lowered himself to insincerity and flattery in order to advance his own interests, and he wasn’t about to start now. This characteristic got him in trouble on occasion, but it was also one of his biggest strengths.

“Apology accepted, Benjamin.”

Ben slowly exhaled the deep breath he been holding in anticipation of a confrontation. He was incredibly relieved and surprised, but the warm feeling did not last; Washington now felt a keen rush of irritation when he thought of the resignation letter lying only a few feet away. It bothered him greatly that Ben would jump ahead to such a drastic measure instead of talking to him first.

He turned away quickly to mask his agitation, but it didn’t work. “When you come to my office to discuss your plan,” began the general, quite harshly, “bring that resignation letter with you as well.” He looked at the desk pointedly, then back to Ben. “I will expect a complete explanation for your reasoning behind it before I can possibly accept.”

Ben’s eyes widened, and his heart began galloping like a horse again. “I-I was-"

“Get to work, major,” Washington barked as he ducked out through the tent flap.

 


	2. When at First We Practice to Deceive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This diverges from the storyline of 408, as mentioned previously, and also from 401. Try not to be too mad at me. This is the stuff fan fiction is made for, after all....

Ben stood in front of Washington’s desk, carefully analyzing his expression for any clues as to how the General might really feel about his plan...not that he was one to mince words, of course. He was relieved when Washington smirked as he set down the letter - which was actually a copy of the one he had just given Anna, who was on her way to Mary right now.

“A love letter. Quite clever, Benjamin. We shall see what comes of it. Or at least, I shall. Did you bring your resignation?”

Ben swallowed hard and nearly flailed his hands around in frustration at the predicament he had gotten himself into this time. Thankfully, he managed to control himself and calmly hold up the object in question. “It’s right here, sir, but I have no intention of-”

“Speaking of letters,” Washington cut in, “I want to ask you something one more time, _before_ I decide whether or not to offer you your post back, which I have not yet offered to Colonel Hamilton. Your answer will be critical in establishing trust between us going forward. I expect you to answer it honestly, without regard to what I will say or think about it.”

Ben suddenly felt his pulse rushing in his ears as Washington reached into his desk and pulled out the letter that both men had perfectly memorized, simply from having read it so many times in disgusted astonishment.

“This letter from Benedict Arnold is dated over five months ago, is that not so?” Washington asked mildly.

“Yes, sir, to the best of my recollection.” He knew the exact date, of course. They both did.

Washington hesitated, both from a reluctance to make an insinuation, and a reluctance to know the truth. He desperately wanted to be wrong about this.

“I will ask you one last time, Major Tallmadge. How long did you have Arnold’s letter before you showed it to me?”

Ben nearly choked at that question, knowing that he had no choice but to answer it honestly. Washington had questioned the courier, he suspected. How else to account for this new inquiry - why now?  _Breathe._

 _“_ Almost a fortnight, sir,” he confessed, as calmly as if he had been telling someone the current time. “It being a personal letter, and not army business, I had intended to burn it, but…”

Washington looked away and set the letter down carefully. His tone was perfectly conversational, despite the increasingly dangerous gleam in his eye. “But you didn’t burn it. You held onto it for two weeks, and then you lied to me about it. Why?”

Ben was strangely calm, an unconscious mirroring of Washington’s own miraculous self-restraint. “Because I feared you would suspect me of being in league with him even more than you already had, sir, ever since I had offered to be his aide de camp.”

This explanation achieved the desired effect of having perfectly clarified Ben’s actions and motivations. With regret, Washington recalled how harshly he had handled the situation not so long ago in which he learned Ben had just made a secretive offer to work for both himself and Arnold at the same time. There was no doubt that the major’s pride still stung to this day at the slightest recollection of that confrontation. No wonder he hadn’t wanted to show him the letter.

Washington decided to let this line of questioning drop, but he could not resist one last cutting remark. “I’m afraid your precautions were ultimately counter-productive to your intentions, major. I never once imagined you were in league with him until I knew you were lying about this. Rather ironic, is it not?”

That remark made Ben’s skin crawl. He could barely find his voice for a reply. “And do you still think that now, sir?”

“No. Despite my suspicions being entirely your fault, I regret ever having the notion for as long as I did. Dealing with Arnold’s treachery has caused me to question a lot of things I thought were inarguable facts. I’m sure you can sympathize with that, at least.”

Ben nodded, then let out a strangled, “Yes, sir.”

Washington was now desperate to change the subject, probably more so than Ben.

“Now, about your resignation letter. Do you have it?”

“Yes, sir. But I wrote it with the intention of giving it to you after my court-martial. Since there wasn’t one, I have nothing further to say on the matter.”

 _Thank God_ , Washington said to himself. He didn't know what he would do without Ben. But first, the major needed a lesson in humility, and a swift kick in the breeches to go along with it. 

“Very well. Let's move on with other business. Since now you can't be trusted to tell the truth on small matters, never mind the large ones, I'm not going to offer your post back. Instead, you and your dragoons will be seconded to General Rochambeau. He is arriving back in Philadelphia soon, and you will leave tomorrow to join him. Once the army is ready to proceed to Yorktown, you can march down with him to begin early preparations for the siege.”

“Sir! I must-” The protest died quickly away on his lips, but his angry and disappointed expression told a different tale altogether, as did his white knuckles clenched around the pommel of his sword. This was a demotion, plain and simple - not in rank or title, but in responsibility and prestige. That was a worse punishment than anything else he could fathom. He again started to protest, then stopped again.

Washington was unmoved. Ben didn't have to know this would only be temporary - just a few weeks. As long as he came back even slightly more humble and less inclined to disobedience, it would be worth it. Rochambeau was well-known as a harsh taskmaster who did not put up with even the slightest hints of transgression amongst his officers, and he would help set Ben straight - especially with a little extra prodding from Washington, of course.

"Rather than sulking about a mere _transfer_ , Tallmadge, I would encourage you to be grateful for another opportunity to get back in my good graces. May I remind you of at least four occasions you would have been court-martialed in the past few years without my express intervention? Today makes five, with your lie regarding Arnold’s letter. There will not be a sixth time.”

 _Thank God you don’t know what else I’ve done_ , Ben thought privately, feeling a bit irked at the starkness of being addressed by his surname alone all of a sudden. Not even by his rank. Just... _Tallmadge._ It was purposely cold, and carefully calculated to make sure he knew where he stood now. 

He swallowed his resentment and resolved to make the best of the situation. “Yes, sir. I’ll ready my troops to move tomorrow.”

“Rochambeau is expected to arrive in Philadelphia sometime next week. I expect an update on his progress by dawn, but for now you should expect to be on the road in twelve hours. Naturally, I will not mention to the General what has occurred to prompt this transfer, so there is no need to worry about starting off on the wrong foot with him.”

Ben nodded. “Thank you, sir.  May I take Mrs. Strong and Mrs. Woodhull with me, so they may reunite with their husbands?”

“Excellent idea, thank you. You’re dismissed.”

Ben felt the urge to sprint away, but before he could move, Washington held his hand out expectantly.

“Wait….give me your letter.”

Ben froze at the notion, not wanting to re-open this wound again, but he had to comply. He handed it over with reluctance, far more slowly than he should have been allowed to get away with.

Washington took it and solemnly paired it up with Arnold’s letter. To Ben’s utter astonishment, the general turned around and slipped them both into the fire together, without comment. Neither of them moved while the paper burned into invisible ashes, and not a little smoke.

When Washington turned back to Ben, he was suddenly relaxed and displaying a neutral expression.

Then he nodded at Ben with finality. “Godspeed, Benjamin."

NEXT UP: CHAPTER 3: THE FORCED DECISION


	3. A Forced Decision

“How was your meeting with Washington?” Anna asked as she breezed into Ben’s tent, his hastily written summons in hand.

”Slightly less enjoyable than being thrown headfirst into a freezing river,” Ben admitted grudgingly, referencing a recent incident with his spooked horse and an even more spooked and trigger-happy sentry.

“I’m sorry.”

“I have orders to leave camp, along with you and Mary. How soon can you both be ready to go?” he asked over his shoulder, as he carefully packed his books into his trunk, covering and then tucking them in gently on all sides with his most reliable piece of waterproof canvas.

“Certainly before you and your fifty dragoons can be ready. Is this...is this a punishment, Ben?”

“No, I...it was a planned transfer, I am sure.”

So a punishment, then. Ben would never admit it. Not to her, at least.

“I see. Where are we headed?”

“Obviously this is highly confidential. Philadelphia, to liaise with Rochambeau before the march to Yorktown.”

Anna’s heart fell. Selah was in Philadelphia, which was obviously why Ben asked her to come. But she pushed aside her immediate reaction and sat next to him as he packed. He was carefully concealing his feelings behind an implacable expression, but based on the fact that he refused to tell her what had happened with Washington, she knew for certain he was wallowing in the emotional abyss again.

She smiled in the friendliest manner possible, determined to bring him out of the darkness with a little bit of teasing. “You seem surprisingly unhappy about it. As I recall, you had a grand time on your last visit to Philadelphia. I heard you spent all night wooing the ladies, and, dare I say…you even _danced_ with Peggy Shippen a time or two, Major Tallmadge?”

Ben stood up straight and glared down at her, a surge of annoyance and anger rushing through his veins. The last thing he needed at the moment was a new reminder of how taken in he had been by the manipulative Peggy Shippen and her traitor of a husband, who had barked at him so ferociously for daring to compliment his ballroom floor.

Rudely, he answered, “I'm eager to get there quickly so you can rejoin Selah. Your _husband_. Remember him? I know he remembers you.”

“That was unkind,” Anna responded, although without any rancor. She recognized it had been a poor decision to try to cheer him up that way. He never was one who liked to be teased, even on the best of days. And she hadn’t meant to bring up Peggy Shippen, either. That just slipped out.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” Ben said, although his tone indicated complete lack of contrition. “I know you have some unresolved conversations with Selah regarding your...marital status. If we don't stop and see him - or even worse, if we don’t even let him know you’re in town - he will consider it a betrayal from both us.”

He went back to packing without waiting for an answer, consciously speeding up the pace in order to encourage her to depart on her own accord and leave him alone. He hoped she would go, because even in his current mood, he could never bring himself to order her out of his tent. Not after the way he had treated poor Mary.

Now Anna, who had to take a moment or two to digest what Ben just said, was the one with the sharp tone. “ _We_ are going to visit Selah? This might surprise you, Ben, but a woman doesn't have to speak to a man just because you say so. But feel free to go visit him alone, if you’d like.”

Ben nearly threw down his packing in frustration as he spun around to look at her again. “Damn it, Anna. We've already talked about this. Selah is my _friend_ to whom you are _married_. I got you involved in the Ring, so I'm obliged to help him hear the truth about why his wife jumped from that boat to work for me. Hopefully he will understand and forgive you, and possibly even forgive me as well...if I’m lucky.”

Anna was unmoved. “Maybe you need forgiveness, but I don’t. It's not your responsibility to explain my choices. Besides, if I do meet with him, my conversation with _my husband_ will be private.”

“Not when we explain the Ring. I assure you I will definitely be there. This is not negotiable.”

She sighed and leaned back in her chair. “Fine. I won’t mention the Ring at all, then. Not a word. There, now you don’t have to worry about it.”

Ben gave in; he was satisfied by that for now, and he was tired of arguing - with Anna, with Washington, with Caleb... They still had ten days before they would reach the outskirts of Philadelphia, and there was plenty of time for less contentious discussion later in a more neutral setting.

He softened his expression and stopped his packing in order to fill a mug of water for Anna, and then for himself. The calm silence between them while he poured from the heavy white pitcher was extremely welcome, and he was reluctant to break it. But after they had both taken a long gulp, he leaned against his desk and asked gently, “So, what are you going to tell him about...you and him getting back together? Not that it’s any of my business, of course.”

Anna shrugged. “I don't know. My feelings change by the hour. Are you insisting I tell him the truth about why I left?”

“Of course. He deserves to hear it. Why would you not-”

“Even if that truth has nothing to do with the Ring?”

Ben floundered around in his mind now, wondering if he had somehow missed the conversation taking an entirely new direction and they were discussing two different things now. He lowered his voice and asked calmly, “What do you mean _it has nothing to do with the Ring_?”

Anna took another long drink, and then locked eyes with him and smiled sadly. It was now or never...she might never have this chance again. She set the mug carefully in her lap, gripping it tightly.

“Should I tell him that I jumped for Abe...but now I would jump for you? Do you suppose he deserves to hear that?”

Ben jerked upright as if he had been slapped in the face. It was a shock to hear such words said out loud, especially when Anna was looking at him in that way...again. The way that lately made him flustered and awkward, despite their lifelong acquaintance. The same way which he thought he had been imagining for months. Now he knew he wasn’t.

Perhaps any other man would (or should) have been deeply flattered by such words, but it only made Ben feel deeply guilty as he thought of poor Selah living and sleeping alone in Philadelphia while his beloved wife made intimate confessions to his friends. First Abe...now him? No, before him was Hewlett, to make things even worse! He set his mug down hard on the desk and hardened his voice into a business-like tone.  

“You've been spending too much time in my tent. I should have listened to Caleb.”

Anna frowned. “Caleb? What does he have to do with it?”

Ben went over to his bed and buckled up the brown wooden trunk as he talked, forcing the straps unnecessarily tight in his agitation. “He warned me that under these conditions, and...never mind. Please go and make your preparations to leave for Philadelphia. You and Mary need to be ready at sunrise, although we may not leave until just before noon or so, depending on when Washington receives an update from Rochambeau’s courier. ”

Anna’s heart fell for the second time this morning, but she kept her tone calm and polite. “That's all you have to say? After what I just made clear enough?”

Ben nodded and replied savagely, “Yes, and that’s all I will ever have to say. Is _that_ clear enough for you, Mrs. Strong?” he added, coolly throwing in her married name for added emphasis. How he could even speak with his heart lodged in his throat was a mystery.

Their eyes met, each challenging each other to press the issue further along their own lines. Who would be the first to look away, Ben wondered? Then he determined it would not be him.

He was relieved when Anna dropped her gaze as she stood up and headed towards the tent flap. “I'm not going to Philadelphia with you. But I will help Mary get Thomas ready.”

Ben now took on the flatly authoritative tone he always reserved for ordering around his dragoons, although reduced significantly in volume. “You are going to Philadelphia tomorrow, Anna.”

Anna smiled at him, completely unfazed by the directive. “Oh? Is that an order, Major?”

Ben stood up up straighter, starting to hate himself for being such an arse. But it couldn’t be helped; this situation had to be quashed immediately and swiftly, even if she ended up hating him. He had to put Selah first, at any cost.

“Actually, yes. I got your dismissal orders issued from Washington directly.” He gestured to a folded letter that was sitting on his desk, written in Washington’s hand; he prayed briefly that she wouldn't actually go over to examine it.

Anna froze. “You didn't.”

“I didn’t want to, but I knew you would refuse to obey me. You and Caleb both have no regard for my-”

“That was unnecessary, Ben.”

Ben took the plunge. He was going to end this now, for better or worse. “Unnecessary for Mary, perhaps, since she has chosen to honor her vows with her husband. That’s why I only got the order for you. Now start packing, if you please.”

Anna was aghast.

“I find it strange you’re getting such satisfaction from this kind of behavior, Ben. What’s gotten into you?”

Too late, Ben realized he had been grinning widely at her. It was entirely inappropriate, completely unintentional, and only a result of the extreme nervousness the situation was creating. He frowned immediately, but the damage was already done, and Anna was gone without another word.

Ben sighed, glared at himself in his mirror for a few moments to rebuke himself for being an arse (again), and slowly resumed packing the rest of his books.


	4. The Journey to Philadelphia - Day One

CHAPTER 4 - THE JOURNEY TO PHILADELPHIA - DAY ONE

It had been an unbearably long and stressful day for Ben. Not because the roads were treacherous in the rain, or because of his keen hunger, or due to the long distance they were traversing. It wasn’t even the constant threat of attack that was making him increasingly miserable by the hour.

For the hundredth time, he resisted the urge to turn around and look at Caleb, who had purposely positioned his horse several rows back in order to avoid any conversation with his friend...if they were still friends at all, that is. Ben was increasingly dubious on that point. He would have given anything for Caleb to trot up alongside him with an inappropriate joke, or even to tease him again about needing to find a woman before the war ended. He would take that over this distressing state of being left in limbo, without the longed-for acceptance of the sincere apology he had made for manhandling Caleb that day and then deserting him to fight a battle of pain and suffering. Alone.

If Caleb would just talk to him for a moment. Even to say he would never forgive him. Hell, anything would be better than being a prisoner of his own thoughts for twelve hours at a time on horseback.

Another hour of such torture passed before Ben decided to call a company halt in order to camp for the night. He was starving, and the light was rapidly fading away through the trees that were becoming more sparse with each passing day. In another month, they would have almost no cover as they traveled through the woods, and the darkness would come on more rapidly every day. He shuddered in his coat, not from the cold, but from a sudden ill omen that passed as rapidly as it had appeared.

At the order to halt, a soldier walked up and took a hold of his horse's halter. But in his state of distraction, Ben slid off his steed much faster than he intended and got a foot caught up in the reins, causing him to crash down onto his backside in the road with a startled yelp. Caleb had seen it all about to happen and dashed over to catch him, but didn’t make it in time.

The dazed major needed a moment to gather his wits; he glanced around quickly and noted his troops clandestinely observing the spectacle in a state of barely suppressed delight...except Caleb, who had made no effort to hide his amusement. It was strangely comforting to see that big bearded mug hovering over him with a shite-eating, ear-to-ear grin. Thankfully, it had not rained in a few hours, and Ben was mostly dry as Caleb reached down to grab his arm and help pull him to his feet. So much for the graceful and dashing dragoon officer his men had once known. He would now be infamous forever as the major who not only couldn’t manage to stand up in a boat, but who also had trouble dismounting his own horse. What was next?

“Your arse fall asleep, major?” Caleb queried, far too loudly for Ben’s liking, causing someone only a few feet away to let out a strangled bark of laughter.

“Aye, among other things. Thank you, Caleb,” he muttered, clapping him on the shoulder heartily. 

Somehow Caleb's grin had grown even wider. "What are friends for, Benny boy?"

Ben's heart glowed with the warmth of a hundred suns at that remark, but he was too cautious by nature to let it please him for more than a few seconds.

As his men drifted away out of earshot, Ben fought his inclination to avoid the subject and asked quietly, "Are we still, though? Friends?"

"Yeah. You disappointed you ain't rid of me yet, Tallboy? Somebody's gotta stick around and help you off the ground. Or out of the water. What would you do without me?"

Ben closed his eyes briefly at the obligatory mention of the boat. Did he have to bring that up every time Ben managed to embarrass himself? Then again...not an hour ago, he was sitting on his horse praying to God that Caleb would ride up alongside him and engage in exactly this kind of teasing in order to relieve his own misery. _Ask and ye shall receive._

"I honestly don't know what I would do without you, Caleb...thank you."

Caleb nodded and turned back to secure his horse. Ben gathered himself and began to issue his orders to set up camp, noticing with resignation that no one could meet his eye as they grinningly acknowledged his directions and got to work. Well...at least he had created some form of amusement for them; it was likely all they would get on this long and arduous trip to Philadelphia.

Ben straightened his uniform and made his way back to the wagon. Anna and Mary hadn’t been witness to the incident, so he could maintain his seriousness with them at least. As he arrived, Mary was just reaching up to help Thomas down; Ben moved up quickly to take over the task and gently hauled the wiggling boy over the side of the wagon and set him on the ground with a quick, affectionate squeeze to the shoulders. The boy was getting bigger every day. He smiled at Ben, but said nothing. Everyone knew he wasn’t much of a talker, not even to his parents.

Ben smiled back, then resumed his seriousness as he stood back up to face the two women. He cleared his throat, and said authoritatively, “Stay with this wagon and don’t wander off. My men will put up your tent after they-”

“May I at least have your permission to obey a call of nature, major? Preferably in private? We’ve been on this wagon for hours.” Anna’s innocently pleading tone was intended to embarrass Ben, and it succeeded.

He nodded. “Ahem. Yes. Of course. Wait a moment while I send a guard back to accompany you. We can never be too careful about who and what is roaming around in these woods.”

Anna responded in a bitter tone, “Thank you for your thoughtfulness, major. I hear the enemy likes to kidnap women and force them on long marches against their will. I would hate for that fate to befall one of us.”

For the second time in two days, Ben felt like had been slapped in the face. It took a moment for him to swallow his anger at the cutting remark and turn to Mary, keeping his tone and expression as pleasant as he could manage.

“I know Thomas must be hungrier than all of us put together. We will have bear stew ready for dinner very soon, and then my men will pitch your tent after we have all eaten.”

Mary was pleased at that; her dour expression opened up into one of genuinely pleasant surprise. “Thank you, major, that sounds wonderful. I don’t believe I have ever eaten bear before.”

Now Ben was really pleased as well; Mary’s sincere reaction in contrast to Anna’s open bitterness provided yet another much-needed surge of warmth to his heart, like the one Caleb had just provided. He couldn’t help but beam at her in return. “I think you will enjoy it. My scouts shot one for us prior to our arrival, and they've already started cooking it.”

Anna turned to Mary and said sourly, “It must have been a female bear who was out trying to survive on her own, without assistance from the male. Soldiers hate that kind of thing, you know.”

Another verbal slap. Ben’s hand clenched even tighter around his sword as he flushed bright red from the tremendous effort of keeping his temper in check; he would not allow himself to lose control in front of Mary and Thomas. 

“Mrs. Strong,” he began in a polite but dangerously edgy tone, after somewhat having regained his composure. “I need to speak with you for just a moment, in private. Will you please accompany me?”

“Sorry, no. I was ordered to stay with this wagon, Major Tallmadge.”

Ben did not take his eyes off her as he raised his voice slightly. “Mary, will you and Thomas kindly give us a few minutes alone?” His tone made it clear that there was only one acceptable answer to this question.

Mary grabbed Thomas' hand. “Of course, major. I’ll go...attend to the...well, please excuse us.”

“Thank you.”

Once Mary was out of earshot, Ben had to struggle to keep himself from exploding. He almost didn’t succeed. “Anna! Stop this childishness immediately. Especially in front of Mary. We have business to settle before Philadelphia, and that cannot happen if you’re going to act like a...like a…”

Anna cocked her head in mock curiosity. “Business, really? What _business_ is so urgent that it compels you to speak with a mere woman, major?”

"That’s enough, Anna. I understand you are upset about coming to Philadelphia-”

“No, no, it’s fine, I am so happy to be here, can’t you tell? Look how pleasant this all is. The mud, and the hunger, and the thirst. I should be grateful for the privilege.”

Ben had to take several deep breaths before he could respond. She was right, ultimately. He had forced her to come against her will, and there was nothing at all pleasant about the situation. But this was not the time nor place to start a fight.

“Our _business_ is of crucial importance to the cause, and you know that. But when you jumped from Selah's boat, I thought you jumped for the Ring. Now that I know it was for Abe, I have changed my mind about insisting that you tell Selah the truth. You cannot tell him that. It would break his heart.”

“What makes you think I’m going to say anything to him at all? You realize I am under no obligation to go find Selah's house and report to him. What are you going to do, drag me there in chains?”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“No Ben, once we get there, I am free to do whatever I choose. And if that includes refusing to see or speak to my husband, there is nothing you can do about it.”

Ben realized he was going to lose this battle if he didn’t change tactics quickly. Anna was the type of person who did exactly the opposite of what people tried to force her to do. He knew that, because he was the same way. And so was Caleb. There was a reason they all understood each other so well.

“Anna. When Selah visited our camp, I promised him I would do my duty and-”

“You've done your duty. I'm going back to Philadelphia, aren't I? You can take the credit for that, at least. What you want to tell him about the Ring is your business. I'll say nothing...if I even choose to meet with him, that is.”

Ben closed his eyes and struggled against saying all the unforgivable things that were dangling on the tip of his tongue. If he had the ability to scream internally, he would have been yelling into the void for at least a full minute. But...he could not fathom a way to win this argument, so he calmed down and returned to his normal tone, leaving his harsh opinions unspoken.

In a conciliatory tone he remarked, “We have a long march ahead of us and I'm not in the mood to fight. I am asking you to _please_ agree to meet with me and discuss this situation  thoroughly, among other things. We have to clear the air between us before arriving in Philadelphia.”

“Why? It doesn't matter anymore. You got what you wanted.”

He took a step closer to her and resisted the sudden urge to place his hands on her shoulders. He had done that before to calm her, but that was before he knew how she felt about him. It would be wrong to initiate such contact now. Misleading. Inappropriate. So he contented himself with tightly clutching the lapels of his own coat.

“ _Because,_ Anna, we've been friends too long to let our association end with a childish argument alongside a muddy road in the middle of nowhere. We need to talk so I can make amends as best I can, and so we can agree on what is going to be said to Selah about your involvement in the Ring. Do you _really_ think this is what I wanted? If you think I’ve enjoyed forcing you along, you’re incredibly mistaken. Will you agree to that conversation? If not, I won’t ask again, so we should just say our goodbyes now.”

“I agree...we should just say our goodbyes, then.”

She turned away abruptly; Ben instantly shot out his hand to grab her by the upper arm and firmly pull her back around to face him. It wasn’t done roughly; he would rather fall on his own sword than manhandle a woman. But it was still very much an unwanted gesture, and Ben took care to let go before she tried to yank away from him first. To his surprise, she stayed completely still when he released her, but regarded him with an expression of extreme annoyance that made him realize he had overstepped her bounds - and his own.

“ _What_  are you doing?”

“I’m sorry, Anna. Honestly, I don’t blame you for being angry with me. But I’m angry with you as well, for believing that I don’t have your best interests in mind, and for thinking that I don’t care about you. There is nothing farther from the truth. Just, please talk to me. As a _friend_. No fighting. No childish behavior. It will be the last chance we have if things go badly at Yorktown.”

Her eyes widened; she couldn’t imagine anything happening that would cause him not to return. Not him, he was too...no, he _wasn’t_ any safer than anyone else. Look at what happened to Richard. And Samuel. And Caleb's uncle. Something could just as easily happen to Ben, too, and would she ever forgive herself for refusing to speak to him again? No. She wouldn’t.

“How long until we reach Philadelphia?”

“Nine more days, if all goes well.”

“I'll agree to speak with you the night before we arrive. By then, I’ll have decided what I want to say to Selah. And I'll tell you exactly what that will be, if it makes you feel better. Please leave me alone until then.”

Ben was fairly sure he had never felt so hurt before by four simple words. _Please leave me alone_. It wasn’t quite as bad as being shouted at to get out of Washington’s office, but...well, then again, perhaps it was. Yes. It was worse than that.

“Ben?” Anna prompted, after watching his expression progressively darken a half dozen times over the course of the next twenty seconds or so, with no words to accompany the visible changes in his thoughts.

He snapped out of his reverie and came back to her with a start. “No. It has to be two days before arrival. Our final evening here would not be conducive to conversation. I'll be too busy finalizing our plans for our rendezvous with Rochambeau.”

Anna relaxed. “Alright. Two days before, then.”

“Fine. After dinner.”

“Fine.”

\--


	5. The Journey to Philadelphia - Day Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben embarrasses himself again, and refuses to let Caleb in on what's really bothering him.

 DAY 8 of the March to Philadelphia

While they had fallen yet another day behind due to bad weather, a sunny day finally blessed them with its presence. Ben was so grateful for the break that he even went so far as to forcing himself to let down his guard and actually enjoy the warm breeze that was blowing just the right direction to bring in only fresh air, rather than wafting up from behind, carrying the smell of the 52 horses with it.

He was very content to let his mind drift as it pleased and did not make any attempt to take over control of whatever direction it wanted to drift to next. _(…Major Tallmadge…)_ Abe was safe and likely back to planning something devilish to get him in trouble with Washington again. Caleb had forgiven him and would be teasing him again soon about getting a woman. He was right, but…oh, there's a tree that is already starting to change colors, but why so early? _(…Major Tallmadge…)_ Perhaps that meant another long, hard winter was coming. ( _…Major Tallmadge…)_ It was two more days until Anna would speak with him again. Four more days until Philadelphia. And then, after that…well, he wasn't going to worry about Rochambeau for now. _(…Major Tallmadge, sir…)_ They hadn't exactly hit it off at Newburgh, it was true, but the general- ( _…Major Tallmadge… Sir? …Major Tallmadge…)_ \- knew that Ben agreed with his assessment to move to Virginia- ( _Ben…Ben…Ben…)_ \- and there was _(…major…)_ always a chance that he wouldn't remember- _(…Ben…Ben…)_ that Washington had-

"BEN!"

"What?" Ben all but barked, startled and annoyed by the intrusion into his deep reverie as Caleb pulled his horse up alongside. "Stop shouting at me, please," Ben added sternly, disappointed that he could no longer be pleasantly lost in thought for just a few more precious minutes. It was so rare to have any occasion to think about nothing at all, and he had been enjoying himself immensely in doing so.

 Caleb's face was twisted in an expression of impatience and concern. "Sergeant's been trying to get your attention for nigh on two minutes now. You might want to attend to him before you leave us all behind, yeah?"

 Ben yanked his horse to a stop and turned around to look, astonished to see his company stretched out all along the road for some distance behind him, instead of in a tight bunch on his rear flank. The sergeant in question trotted up beside him with a deeply apologetic look.

 Ben stared at him. "What's happened? Why are we halted?"

 "The wagon broke a wheel a ways back, sir. We were trying to hail you to get you to stop, but you couldn't hear me."

 "Th-thank you," Ben stammered out, nearly rendered breathless by the sudden rush of mortification that filled his entire being. "Ride ahead and tell our scouts to wait for word to proceed."

 "Yes, sir."

 As he burned red from head to toe, imagining all kinds of dire consequences that could have resulted from such inexcusable obliviousness to his surroundings, Caleb nudged his horse as close as he could manage; their stirrups noisily collided and the horses turned their heads to gently nuzzle each other.

 "You really got your head in the clouds today, Ben. Everything alright?" This was slightly less of a concern and more of a pointed criticism…and it was well-deserved, he had to admit.

"Not now, Caleb. Please ride on back and make sure Anna is safe. She was in that wagon." He added abruptly, "And Mary and Thomas too, of course."

"Yes, sir."

"Thank you," Ben answered politely, duly noting the formality which Caleb only employed in cases of extreme irritation with his friend. But he wasn't done yet.

"Christ. Get your shite together, Ben," Caleb warned in a low voice as he spurred his horse and turned around. Ben stared after him in surprise, then carefully dismounted his horse and tied it to a tree.

 While they waited for the wagon to be repaired, Ben stayed beside his horse and kept a close eye and ear on the woods, and - as was his nature - managed to also thoroughly beat himself up to hell and back in the meatime. Caleb had not come back to check on him, or to rebuke him further, and he was grateful for being left alone to sulk. His sergeant also stayed nearby to watch the woods, and to await the order to notify their scouts. Ben wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful that the sergeant never once looked directly at him or offered any kind of indication as to what he thought about the incident.

Ben couldn't stand the silence any longer, or the torture of his own thoughts, so he called his sergeant over.

"Sir?"

"Something about this particular stretch of wood makes me incredibly nervous, Parsons."

"Me too, sir. I feel like the trees are crawling with the enemy, but there's nothing there. It's strange we haven't come across a single person in seven days."

Ben nodded. "I agree. It could be a very good thing, but…I don't like it, all the same. I'd like you to select two other men to ride with you directly behind the wagon, just as an extra precaution until we reach Philadelphia. At the slightest hint of an attack, I want you to focus on protecting the two women and the child at all costs. Even if it means leaving us behind to take them away to safety. Their capture would be dangerous to the cause."

"Yes, sir."

Ben wasn't doing this because he was fond of Mary and Anna. They could have been anyone else and Ben would have felt the same: if they were captured, it was very likely they would be willing to talk if Thomas was threatened. No, it was all but _guaranteed_ that they would talk. And both of them knew far more than they should have about the operations of the army, which was - again - all his fault. So now he could only see them as a huge liability, not just his friends, and he was angry with himself for not thinking of this before.

He wished they were already in Philadelphia.

He wished he wasn't so preoccupied with other things - like Selah, and Caleb. And Washington. 

He wished he didn't have to add yet another failure of judgement on his part to add to the rapidly growing list.

He wished he could stop beating himself up on a continual basis. 

"Is that all, sir?" prompted the sergeant, after Ben had said nothing more.

There was a loud hail from the rear stating that the wagon was ready to move. Ben nodded at Parsons. "Please inform the scouts we're moving, then take your station in the rear. Thank you."

"Yes, sir!" Parsons rode off swiftly. Ben liked him very much and appreciated his maturity and discretion; he was one of the few men who had not shown even a slight hint of amusement at Ben falling off his horse the other day. He made a mental note to mention him for promotion if he ever had the chance to bring such things up to Rochambeau.

Now the peace was broken as the company surged ahead, and Caleb came dashing alongside again. He was no longer serious nor annoyed, and Ben braced himself for the inevitable ribbing that was about to ensue.

"Major Tallmadge, sir!" he beamed. "May I inquire as to your well-being on this fine day?"

"Absolutely not, Caleb. I'm aware I made a complete fool of myself. There's no need to make it worse."

"Ah, they'll get over it. It's not like you leave your company behind you in the dust very often, to be left alone without leadership and slaughtered by the enemy. Just this once should be forgiven. This reminds me of something. Do you remember when Lieutenant Bandon was cashiered because he was so busy pining over a woman, he could not do his job properly? That was quite a to do, her being a British officer's fiancée and all."

Ben groaned inwardly. He would rather forget that incident altogether; Bandon had been a fine officer who suddenly became cursed with a dreadful case of unrequited love sickness. Ben had pitied him enormously at the time, but was eventually obliged to see him court martialed when the man could not keep his mind on his duties for more than five minutes at a time. He still carried some lingering guilt over the whole affair; they had become fairly close friends during that long winter, while Ben was still a fairly new captain. On the other hand, he was also grateful it allowed him to learn an early lesson on why one should not socialize with lower ranking officers or the enlisted men.

"Ben?" Caleb prompted. "You still with me?"

"Aye, just thinking of Bandon. Yes, of course I remember. General Scott's brigade. What about it?"

There was that damned grin again.  "Well, Tallboy, I'm afraid you're heading down the same road, my friend. Kind of ironic, ain’t it?"

Ben was genuinely puzzled by this entire exchange, and did not immediately grasp the point of it. He turned to look at Caleb. "What on earth, Caleb? What are you implying?"

"I ain't implying anything. I'm saying it outright. You're in love. What's her name?"

Ben's heart rate doubled for a brief moment, but he steadied himself and kept his face straight. "You were only gone for three weeks, Caleb, and you think during that time I somehow met a woman and fell in love with her? In camp, or…where would I have done that, exactly? I've barely left my tent for two months."

"You tell me. Where’d you meet her?"

_Silence._

"Where is she now?"

_Silence._

"We’ve got a long way to go to Philadelphia, Tallboy, and I ain’t gonna run out of breath anytime soon."

Ben raised his eyebrows and said in a threatening tone, "I’ll just send you to scout ahead then, so I can ride in peace."

Caleb shook his head.  "You’re hardly at peace, my friend. I’ve never seen you so undone. Can't do your job, snappish all the time…all the same things poor Bandon was plagued with. I know you ain't in love with Washington, so....ahhhh…is she in Philadelphia? Is that why you’re in such a rush to get there?"

_Silence._

Caleb knew when to ease up on his friend and let him be...he didn't always show mercy when he should, but this time he did. It would be  far easier to get him to sing nursery rhymes to his troops than to get him to say a single word about his feelings on a woman.

"Alright then, Tallboy. Be that way. Just know I would appreciate if you'd try not to get us killed again. Or yourself, for that matter."

Ben wasn't in the mood for this. "Caleb, take station behind me, if you please."

For once, Caleb did what he was told without arguing. Ben pushed his irritation aside and watched the woods and road with more vigilance than he ever had before. He would not let Caleb down again.


	6. A Desperate Matter of Principle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Anna enjoy each other's company. Ben makes a surprising confession.

* * *

By the yellow glow of the candlelight, Ben once again re-read his dreary report that he had started twice, torn up twice due to dissatisfaction with the narrative, and then finally finished the third time. Washington would be dismayed to learn that Ben's progress towards Philadelphia in the past week had been slowed interminably due to the relentless rain - except for two days ago, when they had been warmed by the sun, but still greatly handicapped by the state of the sodden roads. At least there was still plenty of time before Rochambeau arrived in Philadelphia - perhaps another week, as they were also bound to be slowed by the weather on their own route from New York. Ben knew that Washington would never blame him for what he could not possibly control, but needless anxiety was in the major's nature...so worry, he did. A lot.

Ben was so wrapped up in his proofreading that he did not hear or see Anna peek her head into his tiny little traveling tent, so she took advantage of the rare opportunity to silently admire his handsome, candlelit profile for a few moments before reluctantly clearing her throat to get his attention.

Ben jerked his head up at the sound and turned to look at her for the very briefest of glances before returning his attention to the report.

'Have you eaten?" he mumbled distractedly after a moment.

"Yes, you told me to come after dinner. Remember?"

Ben made no reply but continued to re-read his letter one more time. There was no way to make it any better. Or any worse. At least it was done. As if on cue, his stomach grumbled noisily.

He folded up the letter rapidly as he spoke and tore his mind away from the various iterations of what imagined would be Washington’s reaction to his news of the delay. "Right. Well, I haven't. Care to walk out to the fire with me so I can get some food before it's gone?"

Anna smiled. "Of course. I'm afraid it's bear stew, again."

"I know. I don't mind."

They walked together in companionable silence, being careful not to cut through the circles of enlisted men who were sitting around chatting; if they had taken such a shortcut, everyone would have been obliged to quickly rise to their feet at the major's presence. Ben vastly preferred to leave them alone while they were eating, and went to great lengths to avoid causing them any fuss or bother as he moved about.

Ben made a beeline for his preferred spot, and Anna found herself quickly being offered a seat on a spacious log that, while not close enough to be warmed by the fire, had the advantage of being quiet and private - and more importantly, it was still in full view of of the officers who were gathered around a second, smaller fire. This was a conscious and premeditated arrangement on Ben's part; he had no desire to continuing fueling the rumors that had started at Newburgh. Caleb had been secretly assigned to ensure nobody took the choice log before Ben had the chance.

After Anna sat down, Ben began to head towards the fire for food, but his ensign had seen him approaching and thoughtfully handed a full bowl of stew to him in a most polite and deferential manner, along with a mug of some kind of drink. Ben thanked him warmly, then took his place on the log far enough away from Anna to further avoid any appearance of impropriety.

After he had gulped down a few bites, he asked how Mary and Thomas were doing. He hadn't really spoken to them, or to Anna, for many days, due to his exhaustion from managing his company through such an arduous journey. He had fallen asleep each night almost immediately upon his tent being erected, and missed having dinner twice due to sleeping straight through the evening until early morning hours. It was almost a blessing to have the ability to do such a thing, and tonight he felt more rested than he had in years. Back in Washington's camp, he could barely manage five hours of sleep on any given day due to the incessant report writing and frequent late-night meetings at headquarters.

Anna smiled a little at his inquiry. "They're fine. Mary is getting a bit restless. Eager to get back to Abe, naturally. Do you know when he's expected to arrive in Philadelphia?"

Ben was surprised to find that he didn’t really feel like talking - about Abe, or Philadelphia, or about anything at all. Not because of Anna. His mind was on Washington right now, and he had unfortunately allowed his concerns about Rochambeau to finally creep up on him as well. The closer to Philadelphia they got, the more he felt suffocated by all of the looming apprehension.

But he had invited Anna to dine with him, and it wouldn’t due to keep up an attitude of grumpy silence. He took another bite of his stew and mulled on the question.

"To my knowledge he should be on his third day there, safe and uninjured. Along with Champe...thank God that Caleb didn’t kill him after all. I sent Selah a letter telling him to make Abe stay there and wait for me, but I didn’t tell him why. I'm praying he stays put and doesn't run off doing something, well...Abe-like. That bastard  is going to end up getting me executed if Washington finds out what he’s been up to without our permission." Ben instantly wished he could step back a few moments in time and take the edge off what he had intended to be a light-hearted remark, but ended up sounding more like a dire threat.

He needn't have worried what he sounded like; Anna understood completely and fully appreciated the tone of grudging bemusement that he had thrown in. Abe’s unpredictability and dramatic emotional swings were a constant source of anxiety to poor Ben. And to Mary.

"Glad to hear it,” she said, pulling her cloak tighter around her shoulders. “I must say, it's nice to see you relaxed for a change."

Relaxed? He was anything but relaxed; however, the fact that he wasn’t snapping at everything she said must have made a big impression. He smiled a little to please her and be agreeable; the gesture unexpectedly improving his mood by just a little. He should smile more often.

"Yes, knowing Abe is safe is the biggest thing. But being away from the General has also done wonders. And having excellent meals along the way, also. Thank you for helping the cooks on this journey, even though you weren't expected or asked.”

Anna was pleased beyond description at this sudden flood of generous remarks. This was the Ben she knew...and loved. He was back. Hopefully, he would stay for a while. "You're welcome. Mary helped as well."

"I know, I’ll thank her when I next see her."

There was a long silence between the two friends while Ben continued to eat, and Anna finally broke it with a question that had also been weighing heavily on Ben's mind ever since he left Newburgh. "Do you think you and Washington will ever make amends?"

Ben sighed, then took a swig of his watered-down cider. "Now that I admitted I held on to Arnold's letter? No. I wish I had lied a second time. But...well, what’s done is done."

Ah. So that's what this transfer was all about, Anna thought. She didn't dare press for details. "Two wrongs don’t make a right, Ben. You needed to be honest. Especially since you're not a very good liar, I'm afraid. At least not to those who know you well."

"No, I suppose I'm not. Washington appears to see right through me, based on his hints in other conversations."

“Such as?”

“Such as when I made up the reason you left Setauket. I’m still not sure he bought that. Or when I came back to camp in civilian clothes and...never mind, that’s a story for another time. After the war, perhaps.”

Ben suddenly felt all his anxieties slipping away like excess layers of clothing. He didn’t want them to. He was fine being bundled up and reticent, and uncommunicative. He wanted the protection of his own fears. But Anna deserved better than that. He may indeed never see her again, if he was killed in Yorktown. And that was a very distinctive possibility. It was also a possibility that he could get her killed if they were ambushed along this road tomorrow, or the next day. God forbid.

Anna sensed he was about to open up, but she wanted to be careful. “Ben, you are one of the most honest men I know. Don’t lose that, even if it causes you pain. It’s who you are.”

That did it...the layers were gone in a flash. He was willing to talk now, and his thoughts came out in a rush.

He smiled a little. “Speaking of lies...do you remember when we were twelve years old or so, and Judge Woodhull caught us together in his shed? I told him I was only fetching a pannikin for the cream. Almost had him convinced, until you started giggling in the shadows and gave us away. We were all of what, twelve years old?”

Anna nearly choked on her own cider as she burst out laughing. Neither of them noticed the officers turning around to look at them, grinning with pleasure at the sound.

“What on earth brought that up? Of course I remember. How could I forget that?”

“I'll never forget it, either. My father only whipped me on two occasions, and that was one of them."

“Well, I hope I was worth it,” Anna remarked cheekily.

Of course that made Ben blush visibly, which Anna instantly regretted - he always closed up quickly upon being teased. She was a little giddy suddenly. The cider must be very strong.

Ben recovered himself rather quickly. "Oh, it had nothing to do with you. He was appalled that I had lied to the magistrate."

“I see. What was the other occasion?”

Ben groaned a little on the inside; the memory was not a happy one. “I was fifteen and nearly about to leave for college; surely you remember this. Samuel, Caleb, Selah and I set off fireworks in the Beekman’s garden in the middle of the night to scare the bloody bastards. It went wrong and burned their prized hedgerow to ashes, and nearly set the house on fire along with it.”

She tried not to laugh, but couldn’t help it. This time, Ben grinned at her as she responded, “I definitely remember that. You boys woke up all of Setauket with those fireworks. The magistrate even got involved, if l recall correctly.”

Ben nodded. He was also feeling slightly giddy, and he set the mug down and resolved not to touch it again. “Reluctantly, yes. Judge Woodhull disliked the Beekmans more than we did, and even my father wasn’t as upset as he should have been, at first. Mostly because he had assumed the entire thing was Caleb’s idea. When he learned it was mine, and that I had cobbled together the fireworks from his gunpowder stash...well, I was still aching for a week after arriving at Yale.”

Anna nearly fell backwards off the log at that. “Oh. I’m sorry to laugh, Ben. That must have been a terrible state of affairs.”

“It was, but his disappointment and the lecture he gave me was far worse. I can’t recall an unhappier day in my life, except for my mother’s death, of course. And Sackett’s murder. And of course, the day I learned Samuel was…well, I guess it doesn’t rank as high as I thought on the scale of bad days.”  

Anna cleared her throat and changed the subject as quickly as she could manage. “Setting a house on fire is one thing. A romp in the shed wouldn’t be such a scandal these days, now that we’re a bit older.”

Ben nodded with a smile, but he was already back to being serious again. “Right. Going back to that. A few days after the incident in the shed with you, my father told me his next sermon was written with me in mind. I expected a long harangue of hellfire and Satan and sin, what have you, but it was the opposite.”

Ben paused to take a few more bites of stew, steeling himself for everything he was about to say. God forgive him...

“Was this the sermon on forbidden love?” prompted Anna, who was still somewhat gleeful.

“Aye, that one.”

“Remind me what he said. I have forgotten most of it, over time. I remember it was lovely.”

Ben desperately wanted more cider, but he had to stay in control of his words. It would not do to mess this up. He set his bowl on his lap and stared into the fire for a moment.

He lowered his voice and said matter-of-factly, “Well. He said that love is God's greatest gift. Whether it's right or wrong, young or old, temporary or forever. We must not lie about love, that human beings have a duty to acknowledge and honor what the heart tells us. We must have no shame in its consequence, nor any inclination to fight it...but that we must never be careless in its admission. Or its denial.”

Anna swallowed hard. The officers and enlisted men around them vanished from her consciousness. It was just her and Ben now.

“Yes, I recall. That's very powerful.”

Ben nodded, feeling a bit out of control of his thoughts. Not because of the cider, but because of the unfamiliarity speaking about such things - especially to a woman.

“Yes. So, that night, as I said my prayers at bedtime, I made a promise to God that…while I may sin in other areas with some frequency over my lifetime, I would always - without fail - honor the words that my father had written for me. I promised Him….that I would never lie about love.”

Anna felt like the world had stopped spinning suddenly. She didn’t know what to say, and the words came spilling out unabatedly as she fought back the deep flush that was threatening to consume her cheeks.

“Well that’s something, Ben. I must say, twenty minutes ago I was dreading to meet with you for fear of fighting while armed with bowls of bear stew in hand, but instead, you’ve… well… rendered me quite speechless.” She laughed nervously.

Ben did not laugh in return. He was all business again, and now he turned to look at her straight on - but did not try to move any closer. “No more fighting. And since you asked - yes, what happened after the shed was worth it. I would have risked it for you a dozen times more without any regret. But that was a long time ago, and...I’m not that lovesick boy in Setauket anymore.”

Anna involuntarily backed away and scooted further down the log, suddenly feeling like she had been doused with a bucket of ice water. This wasn’t going to end how she thought, not at all. No, this was...what was happening?

Ben stayed completely still, looking at her with those pleading blue eyes. His lips started to form his next words, but Anna interrupted him first.

“I see.”

Ben waited a few seconds and then moved up closer to her, as close as he properly could without causing a scene. His words were catching in his throat, but on the second try he managed to get them out.

“Anna. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, after all that we have been through together. But you must hear the truth before you meet with Selah. Don’t jump for me, Anna. The truth is...I am in love with someone else now.”

It nearly killed Ben on the spot to see Anna’s eyes fill with tears. But he had to finish, and he continued firmly, “You’ve said before that I ask too much of people, and I agreed. Please forgive me for asking one more favor: reconcile with Selah. At least try to. He loves you very much, and he deserves another chance. Not-”

“I don’t love him,” Anna responded flatly, wiping the tears away quickly with the back of her hand.  

“Yes, you do, Anna. You were all but glowing from the inside out when he was at our camp. I saw it. He saw it. So how can-”

Anna turned away, unable to look at him any longer. “Ben! You talk about keeping your promises to God when it comes to honesty in love, yet in the same breath you expect me to accept your own truth while you refuse to accept mine? I think that’s called hypocrisy, if I’m not mistaken.”

Ben did not have any response for that; his heart lurched in his chest and made him feel a little sick. This was far more difficult that he thought it would be.

Anna noticed the officers looking at them in curiosity, so she turned and beamed a humorless smile and stood up quickly. “I am feeling rather tired, major. I think I’ll go to bed.”

“Of course.” He leapt to his feet, remembering just in time that half a bowl of stew was sitting in his lap. He set it down on the log and pleaded, “Anna, please don’t be angry with me.”

“I’m not. I’m...just tired. Goodnight.”

Ben watched her go, feeling his heart breaking into several pieces. As she disappeared in the darkness, he went to his own tent, blew out the two candles, and kneeled down next to his bedroll with shaking hands.

“Forgive me, father. I have broken my promise not to lie about love...”

 


	7. Lay Down Your Burdens

That evening brought more rain to the little encampment in the early hours. Thunder and wind woke everyone up on several occasions throughout the night, and made the horses restless. An hour before sunrise it finally calmed, and there wasn’t a single person awake except for the sentries….and Ben. He was never able to fall asleep to begin with, so the thunder wasn’t a problem. It was his busy mind that betrayed him all night with its generous and relentless offering of regrets and doubts upon which he could ponder in private.

He had done right by Selah, so his conscience should have been clear...but it was not so.

His feelings for Anna, which were still somewhat questionable as of yesterday, should have been tempered overnight...but it was not so.

That strange melancholy plaguing him for months should have faded away with the denial...but it was not so.

And thus, by the time the first rays of sun illuminated the very tops of the tallest trees, he was gravely afflicted by new shades of desire, shame, and regret. The metaphorical bridge that he had blown up in order to strand himself and Anna on opposite sides of a river was still standing, and he hadn’t the slightest clue how to bring it down for good.

Even worse, he wasn’t sure whether to trust himself the next time he had to speak to Anna. Would he be able to act as if nothing had happened? Or would he... _no_. He would be fine, he told himself. Two more days until Philadelphia. He could survive this. He had to.

“Top o’ the morning,” Caleb remarked as Ben emerged stiffly from his tent. “I was wondering if you were still alive in there. Breakfast is ready.”

Ben couldn’t help but grin at his disheveled friend. “Jesus, Caleb, you look terrible. Didn’t sleep either, eh?”

He pointed at the sky. “Not with that ungodly racket. You’re not looking so dapper yourself, Tallboy. Come and eat.”

Ben didn’t notice what kind of breakfast was given to him, nor did he care. As he sat with Caleb, he spotted Anna and Mary eating together a short distance away. Anna looked at him for a fraction of a second, then pointedly turned her attention away to tease Thomas. There was a stab of pain in Ben’s gut at this deliberate signal, and he went back to poking at his food and thinking about Selah. Above all, he told himself...think of Selah. _Selah is Anna’s husband. Anna is Selah’s wife. Selah is my friend._

“Gonna be a long day,” remarked Caleb.

“Aye. It is.”

\----------

It was indeed a long day, and Ben was struggling to stay awake nearly the entire time. His eyes crossed a little as he dismounted his horse to make camp for the evening. His officers had already secretly agreed amongst each other that the very first task upon halting would be to have the major’s tent erected, rather than waiting until supper was being prepared, although it would be against his wishes. They were quite fond of him and tried to express it through actions rather than words; therefore, by the time Ben made his way back to the wagon to check on his guests, the first tent stakes were already in the ground.

Mary was the first to spot Ben strutting purposefully towards them, and she gave Anna a little nudge to direct her attention in the right direction. Although they had not even exchanged a single word about what was going on, Mary was perceptive enough to realize that a dramatic and undesirable change in their relationship had taken place during the march. Mary was glad; she wanted nothing more than Anna back in Selah’s arms. For good, this time.

“Mrs. Strong,” Ben said shortly, stopping in front of her and bowing ever so slightly. “I wish for you to dine with me tonight, so we can settle our business in regards to what we spoke of two days ago.” He gave this request in a commanding tone, and then turned to Mary without waiting for an answer. “My apologies, Mary, but Anna and Caleb and I must discuss what is going to be said to Selah about her work for us. I’m obliged to inform Washington upon arrival in Philadelphia in two days, and I cannot wait any longer to agree upon a plan of discourse.”

Mary nodded, feeling quite disconcerted at his strangely rigid formality. “Of course, major,” she said, her eyes darting back and forth between them.

Anna cleared her throat. “But, I already said I wasn’t-”

“Not here. Caleb will come get you when we're ready.”

Ben turned away with finality. That really _was_ what he wanted to discuss, it wasn’t a ruse to continue the previous evening’s distressing conversation. But since he had considerable apprehensions about speaking with her alone, and in order to prevent any further melodrama, he had decided to include Caleb in the conversation as well. That way, the subject could not possibly stray into areas he wished to avoid.

On the way back to his horse, he spotted Caleb directing a sergeant with a tent and diverted his course to intercept them.

“What are you doing?” he questioned the group irritably, and perhaps too loudly.

“Setting up your tent,” answered Caleb in surprise.

“Stop doing that! Mind the horses first, and then supper. The tents are last, you know that. What’s gotten into you all?” He swept a withering glance around the four offending members of his company. Nobody moved at first, but when Ben went to open his mouth again, they quickly scattered. Only Caleb was left standing, and Ben gave him an apologetic look.

“What's gotten into _me_?” Caleb shot back. “How’s about you? What-”

“Nothing's gotten into me, and I do appreciate the gesture,” Ben interrupted in a soothing tone, although he felt anything but soothed. There was nothing more he wanted right now than to sleep, and it killed him to watch his tent collapse into a useless stack of poles and canvas.

”Well you have a funny way of-“

“Yes, I know, and I’m sorry for barking at you. I only came to ask for your help. As a friend.”  He looked all around him to make sure no one was within earshot. When he was absolutely certain he couldn’t be overheard, he continued.

“Anna and I need to talk about what we’re going to tell Selah about the Ring. I have to write a report to Washington about it, but she hasn’t been cooperative, to say the least. If you’re there, perhaps she will be more willing to have an actual conversation rather than just argue about everything little thing I say. Will you help me?”

Caleb grinned, having already long forgiven him for being barked at in front of the men. “Aye. But you have to do me a favor in return.”

Ben sighed. “Not really, Caleb. I could just order you to help me, so there wouldn’t be any favor to speak of.”

“Well, I won’t do it until you agree.”

“To what?”

“Tell me about the woman you love.” Caleb was still grinning, and now he crossed his arms. “The one you’re so eager to get yourself to Philadelphia to see again.”

Ben was shocked by such impudence, even from Caleb, and it took all his fortitude not to say something obnoxious in return. Or to just walk away in disgust.

Then again...perhaps now was the chance to unburden himself. They were alone, and Caleb was in the right mood. Feeling reckless suddenly, he threw all caution to the wind. He would have to know sooner or later - and Ben strongly suspected he already did, anyway.

“Not quite. I’m eager to get _her_ to Philadelphia. Back to...her husband.”

Caleb’s grin dropped off instantly, and he eyed Ben in consternation.

"Ah. Does this particular lady happen to be in our camp right now, then?"

Ben hesitated, and finally braced himself and nodded. "Aye. She does." 

After a moment Caleb replied with a straight face, “Well, it ain’t Mary. She hates you.”

Ben sighed. Could he ever take anything seriously? “It’s not Mary. And, she doesn’t hate me, Caleb! Well, not anymore."

“So it’s got to be Anna.”

Ben hesitated. Then he nodded.

 _“Our_ Anna.”

Another nod.

 _“Selah's_ Anna.”

“For god’s sake, Caleb!” Ben said, nearly stomping his feet in frustration.

Caleb seemed genuinely surprised, which Ben was not expecting. He was even speechless for several moments. “Holy shite. Since when?”

Ben lowered his voice almost to a whisper. “Newburgh. I thought you knew!”

“No! How the hell would I know that?”

”Caleb, you were _teasing_  us about it...never mind. At any rate, I don't have the slightest clue what to do about it.”

“Do? How about _nothing_? Christ, does she know how you feel?”

“I, uh…” Ben paused, suddenly regretting everything he said and every decision he had made in the past ten days, and especially in the last sixty seconds. “We had a conversation last night, and...after she admitted her feelings for me, I told her I was in love with someone else. She didn't take it very well, as you can imagine.”

Caleb was appalled at that, as Ben expected. It was an appropriate reaction.

“Nice, Ben. Jesus.”

Ben sighed again for what seemed like the hundredth time today. “Like I said, I don’t know what to do.”

Caleb was no longer amused by the situation, and his tone made that clear. “Like I said... _nothing._  You had Washington dismiss her from camp so that you _force_ could her to go back to her husband. Selah, remember him?”

“I...didn’t actually do that, Caleb.” He felt an enormous twinge of guilt as he recalled pointing out the “dismissal orders” on his desk, which was actually just the letter Washington had written to Rochambeau...and it probably contained nothing whatsoever about Anna.

“Christ, Ben,” Caleb nearly yelped. “You’re stacking up the lies like firewood lately.”

There was silence between them as they both became uncertain what say next, or what to do. Ben had not expected Caleb to get angry, nor to be surprised about the revelation, so he struggled with how to proceed next.

“I thought you might have known how I felt. Perhaps more than I did. Honestly, I don’t know who is more surprised by this - you, or me. But now that I’ve told you, will you agree to help me with this...interview I must conduct tonight, in order to figure out what she’s going to say to Selah about the Ring?”

“Forget the Ring,” Caleb responded sharply, “what the hell is she going to say to him about their marriage?”

Ben shrugged. “She seems intent on divorce. I’ve tried to talk her out of it, but I’m not sure I succeeded. Now, please...will you help me? You can obviously see now why we can’t be alone again. But more importantly, like I said, I need your help persuading her to agree on what to say about the Ring. And maybe even convincing her of more than that...to be with Selah again, perhaps.”

“Fine, Ben. I'll be there. But I don’t want you meeting alone with her again, you hear me?” His tone was uncommonly sharp, which instantly sent Ben into defensive mode.

“I have no intention of doing that, as I said," he snapped. Then, more calmly, he added, "That's exactly why we're standing here right now, so I could ask you to join us. Remember?"

"Yeah, Ben."

"Thank you for your help.”

“You’re welcome. I think.”


	8. When "Doing Nothing" Becomes a Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben has realized that doing the wrong thing would feel so right.

The three friends sat around the fire in a relaxed state, now that the official discussion had come to an end. Except Ben, of course, who appeared satisfied on the outside, but was utterly unnerved on the inside by several things, one of which was the prospect of not being around to answer questions about the Ring. That was ultimately the trade-off in order to get Anna to meet with Selah at all. She refused to allow Ben along, and that was that. He would have to content himself with knowing that because of his insistence, Selah would see his wife in two days.

He completely tuned out of their irreverent banter and began to think again of Washington. If he hadn’t banished him to Philadelphia with Rochambeau, what would be happening back in the camp right now? Would Ben have ever figured out how he really felt about Anna? Would he still be in a state of blissful ignorance about how deep his attachment really was? Yes. No. Yes….either way, things would be normal and he wouldn’t be in this state at all. He found himself vaguely angry at Washington for exiling him into a situation where he had been given far too much time to think. Perhaps a constant state of exhaustion was better for the soul. Then he was angry for another reason...he had one ear on the conversation again when Caleb started telling Anna she was making the right choice by deciding to leave Selah.

“Sorry to interrupt, Caleb,” he said abruptly, in order to disrupt that line of conversation as quickly as possible. “I’d like to speak with Anna for a few minutes alone, if that’s alright. Then I’ll go to bed and leave you to it. Do you mind getting some men to finish setting up my tent?”

He did mind, actually, and his expression said so. But he could not say that in front of Anna, who had no idea of what words had passed between them. He slowly stood up, turning as he did so in order to throw a furtive warning glance at Ben.

Anna looked back and forth between them, sensing the tension, then shuddered a little. “It’s getting a little chilly. I’m going to get my cloak from the wagon. I’ll be right back, Ben.”

After she left, Caleb set his mug down hard and glared at Ben. He was still irritated over their conversation yesterday, especially about how it ended. Not that Ben had been wrong to love her, but...no, it definitely wasn’t that. Not at all. It was the part where he was asked to try and talk Anna into staying with Selah.

Ben stood up and glared right back at him. “You were supposed to help me talk her out of the divorce. Not into it!"

“Oh, that’s rich - you’re telling _me_ that I’m not keeping up my end of the bargain? You’re the one who said you wouldn’t meet with her alone again. So I guess we’re even. Not to mention, she's told you a dozen time she doesn't love him, but you won't listen. Some friend you are.”

“Caleb,” Ben prompted after a moment. “My tent? Now, please.”

“Do it yourself.” He began to walk away.

“Wait.” Ben stifled a groan; his head and stomach were both competing over which one could give him the most agony, and right now, his head was winning. He wanted nothing more than to lay down and sleep. Without the tent, though, there was quite literally nowhere to go at the moment. “I just need a minute with her. I haven’t yet made amends for being such a...for being unkind. After that, the you can two can stay up and talk all night for all I care.”

“You gonna tell her you lied to her and apologize for being an ass?”

“No. I’m going to lie yet again by telling her I support her decision. And _then_ I will apologize for being an ass.”

Caleb nodded. “Good. Fine. But a lot can happen in a minute, so keep your hands to yourself. And your lips.”

“I will!” Ben snapped.

“And then get some sleep. You look like a dead man walking. Which you’re going to be, if you’re not careful...don’t tell me you have forgotten what Selah’s temper is like?”

Ben rolled his eyes, find himself yet again resisting the urge to throttle his lifelong friend. “That’s comforting, thank you. Now, if you’ll be so kind, please-”

“Yes, yes, the bloody tent. I’m on it.”

“Thank you, Caleb. I mean it.”

Ben sat down again and waited for Anna to come back; it took every last ounce of willpower he had to not turn and look towards the wagon to see what was taking her so long. He was grateful to be too tired to agonize and beat himself up. That would have to wait until tomorrow. It was a strangely mixed blessing to be so overwhelmed by one concern that nothing else compared. Washington and everyone (and everything) else did not exist in this moment.

After what seemed like an eternity, Caleb came back with a frown. “Tent’s ready. Go to bed."

“I’m still waiting for-”

“Anna ain’t coming. I just checked on her and she said she doesn’t want to talk. That’s why she left like that.”

Ben raised an eyebrow questioningly, and Caleb gestured back towards the wagon. “If you don’t believe me, go ask her yourself.”

“Thank you, Caleb. I’m done in as well. Better...I’d go, I should better, I need to go to sleep. Whatever it is I’m trying to say. You, too, by the way.”

“I will. But you first.”

They walked together to Ben’s tent, and he was out like a candle within a minute.

 ----

The next morning they rode side by side at the outset, and it was like old times as they chatted and joked along the road. Ben had slept ten hours, which was an almost unprecedented luxury, and his thoughts weren’t scattered all over the map anymore. He’d even almost forgotten all about Anna.

Almost.

It was Caleb, of all people, who brought him back to reality.

“Bet you can’t wait to get to Philadelphia, eh, Tallboy? We’ll find some ladies to dance with all night, and maybe even bed one or two. Or three. It’ll help get Anna out of your system. I'll introduce you to a few. There’s Caroline, and Margaret...and I can’t remember the others offhand. But there’s plenty to choose from.”

Ben was immediately disgusted at this entire line of conversation, but the last thing in the world he wanted was another reason to be mad at his best friend. He was just trying to help in the only way he knew how.

Against all common decency he forced himself to respond lightly, “Now, _that's_ what I wanted to hear. Where shall we go?”

“Well, there's the City Tavern. They've got some rooms on the third floor where you can spend the evening with a lady very discreetly-”

“And where exactly will we meet these _ladies_? Reputable ladies, may I add, not whores. Do they have marrying potential?”

Caleb belly-laughed, which made Ben smile for real. “Ahhh, Benny boy. You shouldn’t rush into marriage. Once you do that, your life’s over. Have a bit of  fun first with the ladies...if you can find one who likes virgins, that is.”

Ben stared at him in dismay. “Really, Caleb? Did you have to bring that up again?”

“You’re laughing, ain’t ya?”

“I suppose.” _If only he knew about Sarah…no, that kind of teasing would be even worse._

Ben became serious again, and a few minutes later he lobbed another bomb into the forbidden territory. “What do you suppose Anna’s really going to tell Selah? About Abe, and about…well, about everything?”

“The only thing that I know, Benny Boy, is that it’s none of our business what she says. That’s for them to figure out.”

“But what if she does...separate from him?” _Maybe then I could be with her._ He couldn’t even say the borderline blasphemy out loud; it was bad enough to even think it.

“It doesn’t matter what she does, Ben. And don’t even start going down that road. You’re playing with fire. As your friend, I’m about to pour a bucket of water on you to put it out.”

Ben glanced sideways. “You’re going to make me regret talking to you about this, Caleb. Please don’t lecture me.”

“Oh, I intend to lecture you, Benny,  until you give up this idea to-”

“I’m not doing anything! Once we’re in Philadelphia, that’s it. I wish we hadn’t been so delayed. I could use City Tavern tonight, or tomorrow. Now I have to wait two days to meet Caroline…or Margaret….’

Caleb scoffed. “Well, let me ask this question. What if she gets a divorce? Becomes a free woman in a few months. And you’re still a free man. What are you going to do, then? Because it will still be just as wrong then as it is now.”

Ben honestly did not know the answer to that, but he responded calmly, “I told you. I’m not going to do _anything_.”

“If you wait around for her, you’ll just turn down a string of perfectly suitable ladies in the meantime.”

 _Or that, I suppose. God, I hope not._ “For the last time, _I’m not going to do anything_.”

Caleb was silent for a few moments. “Don’t be mad at me for telling you to do the right thing. You ought to know better without me saying it.”

Ben had to agree with that, at the very least, so he replied gently, “I do know it. And I’m not mad at you.”

Caleb sighed “Right. Well...you might be when I tell you why she didn’t come back last night.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told her...alright, I told her you had gotten some urgent dispatches and needed to attend to them.”

Ben felt like he had been kicked square in the gut. It took him a moment to recover his wits. “Why on earth would you do that?”

“Because you needed to cool off and think about what you’re doing. You were lusty as hell last night; the last thing you two should be doing is spending more time alone with her. And I won’t apologize for what I did, just so you know.”

“No, of course you wouldn’t.”

Ben said nothing more; his heart began pounding hard as one of his scouts appeared ahead, trotting up to them rapidly and arriving within moments. A skirmish would definitely take his mind off Anna, if nothing else…

“Corporal?”

“Road’s washed out ahead, sir, and overrun by water. The wagon won’t be able to pass.”

Well, so much for that skirmish. “Thank you, Henderson. We’ll turn back about half a mile and take the other fork. Move your scouts to the rear while I turn us around.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Thank you.” Ben looked at his friend, suddenly realizing he now had a guaranteed way to prevent any further conversation on the delicate matter. “Lieutenant Brewster, scout ahead as well. We’ll need more eyes on that road, since it’s more heavily traveled.”

“We already have three scouts…” He silenced the protest upon noticing that Ben looked ready to murder him on the spot, then broke out into his famous grin. “...but four would be better. Permission to scout ahead, major?”

Ben sighed and tried not to laugh. He never could manage to stay mad at Caleb for very long. “Good idea. Proceed.”


	9. Just a Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anna and Ben have a conversation in which Ben remarkably manages not to say something stupid or mean.

“I apologize for leaving you waiting last night,” Ben mumbled as he took another bite of the boring brown stew they’d been eating for almost 8 days straight. He couldn’t wait to eat in a proper tavern again. “I was up until midnight writing letters.”

Anna smiled a little. “It’s amazing how you could manage such a feat in the pitch dark, but you always have been a man of many talents. By the way, did you happen to tell Caleb what I had said to you, some time ago? About...you know. He’s been acting a bit strangely.”

Ben blushed. “What I tell Caleb stays between me and him.”

“And I thought the same about you and me. Apparently I was wrong.”

“That doesn’t mean I told him anything,” Ben retorted defensively, giving her a look that somehow managed to be apologetic and unrepentant at the same time.

“I see.” Anna looked away, disappointed and hurt.

Ben found himself rapidly becoming perhaps more uncomfortable than he had been in his entire life.

“I should go,” he said, but made no move to do so. “I’m tired, and not good company. You deserve better conversation that this.”

“I’ve been stuck with Mary for ten days. Anything is better than that. I hope she’ll stop hating me someday.”

Ben didn’t respond.

Anna sighed. “Go, then, if my presence is causing you that much agony. Or is Caleb who’s bothering you? You’ve been glaring at him over the fire ever since we sat down.”

“What?”

“Just curious, is there anybody you’re not fighting with right now?”

Ben couldn’t help but smile at the way she asked that, although the reality was quite sad. “Just Mary, of all people.”

“What happened with Caleb?”

“He...well, he overstepped his bounds. Again. Anna, I have a confession. I wasn’t writing letters last night. Caleb only told you that because he was concerned about me after that incident with the wagon, and he wanted me to rest. I’m not happy about it.”

“Why did you just tell me that? I would have understood. Why the lie?”

Ben sighed and looked at the ground. “You sound like Washington,” he muttered.  
  
“Well, the General is a wise man. At least now I know you’re upset with Caleb, and not me. To be honest, I’m glad we didn’t keep talking last night.”

“You are?”

“Yes, and I wish you wouldn’t go now. We may never see each other again after tomorrow.”

_We may never see each other again after tomorrow._

“Alright, you’re stuck with me, then. What would you like to talk about?” Ben had to struggle to get this question past the huge lump in his throat.

Anna shrugged and busily adjusted the fabric of her skirts. “Tell me about your love. Whatever you wish to share. I’m very happy for you. Did you meet her in Philadelphia? That would explain why you’re so eager to get there.”

Ben’s heart nearly stopped as Anna leaned back against the tree behind her and closed her eyes. The firelight was playing tricks with his mind, for his tomboy childhood friend suddenly was the most lovely and desirable woman he had ever seen in his life. How had he not noticed this before? Well, not since they were teenagers, anyway. Feeling bold, he took advantage of her unawareness to fully appreciate her body in a way he never had before, the way her hips and her.. _.no_ …..and her…. _no_ ….and her long lashes…her long hands were so elegant and perfect. He breathlessly studied the way her chest rose and fell within the confines of her corset, and was suddenly overcome with waves of warmth and longing that flowed through his own chest and into his...everything, actually. _No no no...not that. Stop. Say something, you arsehole!_

She broke into his thoughts. “Alright, you don’t want to talk about her. I understand. You pick the topic, then.”

“How long do divorces usually take?” _Good god, is that all you can think of? Damn it, Ben._

Anna opened her eyes and grinned. “You haven’t married her yet, Ben, and you’re already thinking of divorce?”

He flushed hotly. “No, I...sorry. It’s none of my business.”

“I do wish you would stop protecting Selah like a mother bear. He’s a good man and will find another woman who will treat him better than I ever did. Especially in that all that new clothing he’s purchased since joining Congress.”

“It really does suit him.”

“It does.” She smiled to herself at the reminder of how dashing Selah had looked during his visit a few weeks ago.

Ben shifted his position on the log, feeling a bit sick at the way his heart was nearly pounding out of his chest. He had to pull it together.

“You don’t have to answer, but there’s something I’ve been curious about for so long. Maybe if you tell me, it will help me understand all of this. What was it that made you...fall out of love with Selah?”

She straight up straight and faced him, all business in her tone. “Not you, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“The thought had occurred to me, actually,” he said, without a trace of vanity.

Anna laughed; the sound pleased Ben immensely even though he already anticipated the teasing that was about to come at his expense. “Is that so? Let me assure you, major, you think far too highly of yourself. I’m sure Washington would agree with that sentiment.”

“Anna, I wish you wouldn’t tease me so.  I only meant that if I hadn’t dragged you into the Ring, you’d still be with him. I can’t help but feel completely responsible for everything that occurred after that point.”

That statement finally put everything together for Anna. So _that’s_ why he was trying to get her to stay with Selah.

“Not at all. You’ve forgotten all about Abe somehow, and that was hardly your doing unless you put a spell on us. But come, let’s talk about happier things. Why won’t you tell me about your lady? Two days ago you waxed poetic about love being sacred and that we shouldn’t be ashamed to acknowledge and embrace it. Or did you just make that all up?”

Ben took a huge swig from his mug. “I didn’t make it up. If you’ll recall, I also said one must not be careless in its admission.”

“Yes, or its denial.”

“That, too.”

Anna was silent for a long time, and then she said softly. “Denial. Is that what is bothering you so much? Does she not love you in return?”

That was it. He couldn’t take anymore. He put his food and drink down, and stood up abruptly. “Anna, I’m sorry, but...I’m not going to talk about it. With you, or with anyone. I need to...say goodnight, and get back to my letters.”

Anna said softly, “Will you do me a favor, Ben? Discuss it with Caleb, at least. You aren’t yourself at all lately. Look what happened on the road yesterday with the wagon. Your men are still whispering about it, by the way. They’re looking at us now.”

“I know they are, but not for that reason.”

“Please promise me you will talk to him. For your own good. You need to unburden yourself."

He already had, of course, but it had not gone well.

“I will think about it.”

“That’s all I ask. Can you sit back down, please? Tell me again about the time you removed all the nails from the seat in the necessary.”

“That was William, not me. Wait - you want to hear _that_ story, of all things? It’s disgusting, Anna!”

“But I haven’t heard it in so long, and it always makes me laugh. Please?”

Ben raised his eyebrows in horror, and then ended up laughing at his own recollection of the memory. “Alright, then. If you can stomach it while eating _that_ at the same time.”

She looked down into her bowl. “Maybe you’re right. Another story would be better.”

“Well...how about the time when Samuel and I set a pair of snakes loose in the schoolhouse?”

“Perfect.”

“Fine. After that, I must attend to my letters. If I don't have the report ready for Washington, he may have Rochambeau execute me on the way to Yorktown.”

“Agreed.”

Ben smiled and sat back down, feeling quite normal once again.


	10. Tussle at the Tavern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> City Tavern, Philadelphia. Ben gets drunk and sassy, but at least he doesn't push anyone into the fire this time.

CITY TAVERN, AFTERNOON

“Unfortunately it’s time for me to leave,” said Anna, setting down her mug regretfully. “Thank you for the company, and the meal. It was lovely to eat regular food for a change.”

“Already?” Caleb asked, surprised how fast the time had gone by on this perfect afternoon. “That’s too bad, Annie. We were just getting started.”

“I know, but we still have the carriage ride to look forward to. I know Selah will be very happy to see you.”

“And you. You want to come along, Tallboy? Drop off Anna and say hello to Selah?”

“Of course,” Ben lied as he refilled his glass yet again, “but as you know, I agreed to take Mary to Abe at four o’clock.”

“Well that’s perfect. Selah only lives about twelve blocks from here. You have plenty of time, almost an hour.”

Ben raised an eyebrow at him; he already told Caleb he wanted nothing less than to be there in person to watch Anna return to Selah. But now he couldn’t see any way out of it, with both Caleb and Anna waiting expectantly for his affirmative. Damn it. He should have said his engagement with Mary was much earlier than four o’clock.

“Very well. Caleb, go summon the carriage. But pay the bill first.” Ben pulled money out of his coat and handed it over.

Caleb grinned at Ben’s bossy tone. “Yes, master.”

“You’re welcome,” Ben shot back.

After his footsteps down long wooden flight of stairs faded out, Ben turned to Anna. He was very flush with madeira, and not quite feeling himself. But he poured himself another glass anyway, and drank it quickly.

“Are you anxious to see Selah?” he asked her.

“Of course. You know I am. It’s never easy for a woman to tell a man she doesn’t love him.”

“Or the reverse, I assure you,” he replied boldly. “When your divorce is final, where are you going to go? You can’t go back to Setauket yet.”

“No. I’ll probably be in Philadelphia for a while, since Mary and Abe are staying here. Then I won’t be alone, and it’s safer than anywhere else right now. Selah will see that I have lodgings, and meals.”

“Good. Please continue to write to me, and let me know how you are doing. And let me know if you need anything.”

“I will. Are you alright, Ben? You look like you need to lay down for a while.”

Ben hesitated before responding, knowing he wasn’t quite in control of his normal discretion and might perhaps say something he’d regret later. But then again, he didn’t really care what anyone thought about him at this point. He was going to Yorktown in four days and would mostly likely meet his end there, and none of this would matter then, any more than it mattered now. He was also still vaguely angry at Washington for this whole situation, and by extension, Benedict Arnold for putting him in such a prickly situation in the first place. If not for that damned letter, he’d still be back in camp and everything would be fine.

“I’m fine. A bit too much to eat, I think.” _That too, but I’m also drunk. Very drunk, actually._

She smiled sadly. “Before we go, I must know: did you speak to Caleb about your...about what we talked about? The woman you love?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Ben smiled without humor, starting to promise again that he would, but then discarding the lie as if throwing off a heavy cloak. His expression was almost as sinister as his mood. “Because she doesn’t exist. I made her up so that you would forget about me and start honoring the life you promised to build with your _husband_. It didn’t work, but you can at least give me credit for trying.”

Anna gasped, and took a moment to recover herself. She said angrily, “Ben, that’s appalling. Is there anything you won’t lie about these days?”

“Apparently not,” Ben replied airily. “There’s plenty more, if you’d like to hear the rest of it.” He smiled again and poured himself more madeira.

“No, thank you. How many glasses of that have you had?”

“I would say not too much, but that would be another lie.” He lifted his glass in mock salute to her, then drank it down in a gulp. Neither of them heard Caleb coming up the stairs behind them, freezing just out of sight, but not out of hearing.

“Why not be honest for a change, then?” Anna demanded as she pushed the decanter to the other side of the table. “Tell me something that’s true. Anything that assures me you have a shred of decency left within you somewhere. These past two weeks have been nothing but- ”

She roughly swatted his arm away as he stood up and reached all the way across the table for the decanter. He froze in shock, and stared at her with slightly glassy eyes and a cold expression. She glared right back, daring him to try again.

He gave up, and set his glass down hard. “The carriage should be outside by now. Let’s go.”

“Not until you apologize for...for....”

Ben laughed. “You want _me_ to apologize? You're the one who’s showing up out of nowhere and asking Selah to buy you a divorce because you refuse to honor your vows to him. You won’t even _try_ to make amends. I don’t understand it. He deserves better than that. It’s not like you can go back to Abe now, and Hewlett is long gone. So good luck come tomorrow, you’re going to need it.”

“You’re being cruel,” said Anna flatly. This hurt, but she knew this wasn’t really Ben talking. He would apologize later.

“I’m being cruel. Right.” He recalled Caleb’s harsh words to him the other day, which had been running through his head verbatim ever since then. “Don’t be mad at me for telling you to do the right thing. You ought to know without me saying it.”

Anna nodded. “ _The right thing._ Funny you should say that. The other day I told you that you were the most honest man I know. I must amend that statement now. God knows what other lies you have told me lately, and I’m not about to let you tell me another one. I don’t want you to come to Selah’s house with me and Caleb."

“That makes two of us.”

“Then I guess this is goodbye, Ben.”

Before she could leave the room first, Ben strode past her and down the stairs, barely throwing a glance at Caleb’s shocked expression before he departed the tavern and strode down the street, all aflame with too many emotions for one person to handle.

\-----

As soon as the carriage departed the tavern, Anna stayed outwardly inexpressive, but had to fight hard to contain the turmoil within. Caleb watched, not knowing what he could possibly do about it.

“Are you alright?” he asked eventually.

“No. Ben is out of sorts, Caleb. I know he was quite awash with liquor, but…”

“I heard it all,” Caleb admitted. “He drank too much, and he’ll apologize tomorrow.”

“I won’t be seeing him again after this. Not until he stops destroying himself with all these lies that he can’t stop telling. I’m starting to wonder if he was hit in the head, or something.”

Caleb took a deep breath, not wanting to say what he was about to say, but...well, anything to make Anna feel better, he supposed. “Ben’s been having a hard time lately. Not just with Washington. Don’t tell him I told you this, but...he’s in love with a lady from Philadelphia. I suspect she doesn’t love him back, and that’s what causing all this trouble.”

Anna was startled, and she looked at Caleb in shock. He had never lied to her. Not once that she was aware of. Why now? She decided to play along to see what would happen.

“So I’ve heard. Who is she?”

“Uh, he won’t tell me her name.”

“Have you met her?” she asked with an encouraging smile.

Caleb cleared his throat. “Not yet. Soon, I hope. He talks about her all the time.”

“Does he really? Describe her to me. I want to get a picture of this lucky lady in my mind.”

“Well. Not all the time, I suppose. She has brown hair. Brown eyes. I think.”

“Caleb Brewster!” Anna exclaimed suddenly, unable to keep up the charade any longer. “You are no better than Ben Tallmadge! You didn’t hear our entire conversation, after all. While you were paying the bill, Ben admitted to me that this woman of whom he allegedly speaks of does not actually exist. He made her up. Either you are lying, or he is lying about a lie...which, even in his state, I find unthinkable.”

Caleb was painfully embarrassed, and suddenly angry at Ben for having put him in this position. He would definitely be having chat with him later about it.

Contritely he muttered, “I’m sorry, Anna. I didn’t know he told you that, or...right. There is no other woman.”

The coach continued along in silence for four blocks, both parties miserable beyond description.

When they were pulling up to Selah’s house and the coachman was slowing the horses, Anna said suddenly and calmly, “I think Ben really is in love...but not with a brown-haired woman in Philadelphia. Perhaps a woman who was sitting directly in front of him not ten minutes ago, telling him he was drinking too much and arguing about wanting a divorce from his friend. That has to be it, unless he really _was_ hit over the head. Which is it?”

_Silence._

“Well?” Anna demanded as the door of the coach opened. She clearly was not getting out until she had an answer.

Caleb sighed. “Well, he ain’t been hit over the head, Annie.”

Anna nodded, feeling much calmer now. That explained everything. “Thank you, Caleb. What do I do now?”

“Like I told Ben: _nothing_. You’re married. I agree with him that you should talk to Selah and see if you can make it work. He does love you. And I’m not convinced that you don’t love him.”

“Me either. I will try Caleb. I promise...I will. Thank you.” She looked out of the door just as the very stern but dahsing Selah appeared on the stairs leading up to his home. Anna took a deep breath and stepped out of the carriage, then turned around and waited. Caleb didn’t move; he was still miserably unhappy about what had just occurred.

“Come on, Caleb.” urged Anna lightly, with an encouraging smile. “We must not keep the Congressman waiting.”


	11. The Summons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gets a mysterious summons from Selah

Ben tried to go to bed early that night, feeling quite ill from the effects of all the madeira and his own bad behavior. But he lay in a state of partial consciousness for almost seven hours, never quite reaching a deep sleep, until bolting up wide awake again when there was a knock on the door of his lodgings. The “knock” might as well have been cannons going off at his bedside for all the pain the sound caused to his throbbing head. He pulled his covers over his head and determined to ignore the summons, but then he heard Caleb’s voice calling his name.

After another round of cannon fire boomed through the room, he got to his feet and yelled out “coming” and staggered to the door. Caleb had unfortunately heard this missive as “come in,” and he let himself in abruptly, causing him to drop everything, including a candleholder, when the door, Caleb, and Ben all collided noisily. The flame went out, leaving them in the pitch dark.

“For god’s sake,” grumbled Ben as he turned around and dived back into bed, pulling the blanket over his head again. Caleb went out and re-lit his candle from a lamp in the hallway, then re-entered and searched around the floor for the letter he dropped.

He then stood over his friend like the grim reaper at the foot of a grave. “Morning. Selah wants to see you at sunrise.”

There was no reply or movement from the long lump on the bed.

“Ben.”

“Please don’t talk so loud.”

“Did you hear what I said?”

Again, no reply.

“Ben?”

“Yes. What time is it?” came the muffled and pained reply.

“An hour before sunrise. Get up.”

“I can’t see him until this afternoon. I’ll get a message to him.”

Caleb reached down and firmly pulled the blanket out of Ben’s death grip, then placed an envelope on Ben’s chest. “This is a letter from Selah commanding you to meet him this morning. He wasn’t asking. You can’t disobey a member of Congress, friend or not. Get up.”

Ben was utterly confused, and still not entirely awake. Why would Selah be commanding him to do anything? True, he had the authority to do that, but he could have just asked and Ben would gladly come on his own accord. They both knew that. Something was wrong. He sat up slowly and opened the letter, took Caleb’s proffered candle, and began reading the message wordlessly. After the third read-through, he was now entirely awake. And quite alarmed, more at what it didn't say, as opposed to what it did say - which wasn't much at all.

“Have you read this?”

“Of course. Why do you think I’m here? I’ll get our horses ready,” said Caleb, turning to go out. “You’re in no condition to ride alone.”

“Thank you, Caleb. I’ll be down directly.”

\----

  
The two friends mounted their horses. Ben had gulped down three mugs of water and some bread, and was feeling much better than he had only thirty minutes ago, but it was still a chore to do anything that required being upright, much less being on horseback. He fought down the urge to vomit.

“Do you suppose Anna told him about...well, how she feels about me?”

“I doubt it. When I dropped her off yesterday, she was intent on reconciling with him.”

“What? That was a quick change of mind. God, I hope so.” Ben closed his eyes tight against the sound of the horse’s hooves pounding into his ears and ricocheting around his brain. It was most likely, of course, that he was being summoned to make an apology to Anna for his horrific behavior yesterday. But he didn't say that out loud.

“Selah is our friend, Ben. I’m sure he just wants to say hello since he hasn’t seen you in a while.”

“By summoning me like an errant schoolboy, at this hour? This can’t be good.“

Caleb was silent, clearly bothered by many things which he hadn’t yet voiced. Ben was not interested in knowing his thoughts at the moment, as they most likely were still wrapped up in the incident at the tavern yesterday. They always got through hard times with humor, however.

“Tell me a joke or something, Caleb. I feel like we’re on our way to my execution.”

Caleb was not in the mood to joke. His tone was completely flat and disinterested. “Well, he is also a member of Congress. There’s a chance this is related to Army business.”

Ben started to nod, but that upset his balance; it took a moment to gather himself again. “I suppose you’re right. But something tells me that you’re not. I’m sure Anna must have told him. I just have a gut feeling about it.”

“Or, he could just simply be saying goodbye before we head down south, not expecting us to return.”

Again with that uncharacteristically tight, unfriendly tone. Ben looked sideways at him, unwisely asking the question he knew would unleash a lecture he didn’t want. Yet. “You’re unusually somber this morning. Anything wrong?”

“Is anything right?” Caleb snapped, causing Ben to recoil a bit and re-think his determination to avoid this conversation. They still had almost a mile to Selah’s house...might as well get this over and done with now.

Very gently Ben dived into the issue. “Alright, I know what you’re thinking. I admit I shouldn’t have confronted Anna about the divorce. It is her choice, after all, and I-”

“No,” Caleb replied, “I was actually thinking you shouldn’t have had so much to drink.”

“Ah. Well, I won’t argue with you on that. My head is killing me.”

Caleb turned to look at him, his expression incredulous. “Not because of your head, you clod! Because it made you be cruel to Anna. And I don’t like it.”

Ben took this harsh admonishment in total silence, willing himself to not launch a pointless defense when he fully deserved this.

Caleb added rudely, “You were a complete arsehole yesterday, Ben. You know that, right?”

“I won’t argue with you about that, either,” Ben replied as conversationally as if they were discussing the weather. There was no use escalating Caleb’s bad mood, or his own. “You’ll be happy to know I plan to apologize at the earliest opportunity. I’ve already been practicing.”

“It better be damned good.” Caleb, as he tended to do in times of frustration, purposely moved his horse behind Ben’s so they could no longer converse. Thus this sorry procession continued for almost half a mile, until Ben had gone into full-on paranoid mode and totally convinced himself that Caleb knew more about what Selah wanted than he was letting on. That might also account for his attitude. He turned around to look behind him.

“I need to ask you something. It’s important.”

Caleb wordlessly trotted back up to Ben’s side.

“What?”

“I have the feeling you’re hiding something from me.”

“Other than my contempt?”

Ben laughed, which was entirely the wrong reaction, but his nerves were on edge. These were unexplored waters with his oldest and dearest friend.

“Don’t act like a saint, Caleb! I can’t even begin to count the number of times you’ve been drunk and said inappropriate things. We’ve never hid things from each other before, so don’t start now. Whatever you want to say now, just come out with it.”

Caleb huffed. “Alright, then. I’m just curious, Ben: are you done lying for good? Or am I going to have to wonder if anything you say is true from now on?”  
  
Ben was startled by the amount of hostility in this response. Apparently Caleb did not share his sense of giddy anxiety.

Before he could respond, Caleb added, “Anna said she wondered if you had been hit on the head, what with the way you’ve been acting. I have to wonder as well. Nothing you say is true lately. You’re not the Ben I know. No wonder Washington doesn’t trust you anymore. And I’m starting not to, either, so-”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ben demanded angrily, having lost all sense of the strange calm he had felt up until now.  
  
“Are you serious? You haven’t said anything lately that’s even half true. Everything is lies to avoid facing what you don't want to feel, at everyone else's expense. Most of all, it was unforgivable that you told Anna you were in love with someone else. You forced me into deceiving her, and I’m pissed about it. There, I’ve said it. Now I’m not hiding anything. Happy now?”

Ben was now baffled, in addition to being extremely riled up by the unexpected turn this conversation had taken. But he forced himself to keep his voice level. They were only one block from Selah’s house, and it would not do to have their friend see them arguing as they arrived.

“Caleb, I can’t apologize for what I don’t know about. What is this lie you had to tell her on my behalf?”

Caleb was calm again now, but there was a hard edge in his tone. “You could have told me you admitted to Anna that you made up the woman you were in love with, before I began describing her. So thanks for that, Ben. I’m done getting dragged into your schemes until you get your shite together. Don’t ask me for any more favors until then.”

Ben felt like he had been stabbed in the heart suddenly. Caleb spurred his horse and moved ahead, leaving him behind by ten yards or so until they reached Selah’s. Then they were together again, side by side. Ben was certain he had never been so miserable before.

He reached across and seized Caleb’s forearm. “Don’t give up on me yet, Caleb. You’re right, and I’m sorry. For everything. I’ll make this right somehow.” He released his grip in order to wipe his eyes quickly with the back of his hand.  
  
“I know you will,” Caleb replied confidently, not wishing to see Ben this upset no matter what the reason. “We’re here. Get yourself together.”

“Right.” Ben recovered himself quickly, and halted his horse at the foot of the long stone staircase that led up to Selah’s townhome. At the same time, he noticed the black carriage ready to go, driver and footman waiting impatiently.

He turned to Caleb, puzzled. “Looks like Selah may be leaving right now? I wonder if-”

He cut himself off as Selah appeared at the door, calling out loudly, “Tallmadge. Come in. Caleb, do you mind giving us a moment? Won’t be long.”

Ben waved in acknowledgement and slid off his horse. As he took off his gloves and attached them to his saddle for safekeeping, Caleb raised his eyebrows, speaking in a low voice as he kept a careful watch on Selah.

“Jesus, Ben. He looks pissed. Maybe you were right all along about what he knows.”

“God, let’s hope not. Do you mind waiting here?”

“I’ve got your horse, don’t I?”

“Thank you.” Ben took off his helmet and set it on the pommel. Then he looked back at Caleb, who had gone from slightly concerned, to extremely unsettled.

In a warning tone he said to his departing friend, “Ben, be careful. He definitely knows.”

Ben nodded. “I will.”

“Good luck.”

Ben grinned. “If I don’t survive this, at least there’s no need to worry anymore about trying to make up with Washington.”

Caleb stared at him in disbelief. “Christ, now you choose to make jokes?”

“Why not? It might be the last chance I have.” Ben grinned again like a little boy, and turned to go.

“Jesus,” muttered Caleb at Ben’s back as he all but danced up the stairs to his fate.


	12. No More Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the conclusion, at last...

“It’s good to see you again, Ben,” said Selah as he walked Ben back to his study. “Although I’ve seen you look better in the middle of a losing battle in winter.”

Ben swallowed hard at that strangely unsettling allusion...especially at a time like this.

“Yes, well, ahem. Your carriage is waiting for you out front. I can come back another time, of course, if-”

“No, I’m afraid this can’t wait. I didn’t know when you would be coming back through Philadelphia again any time soon.”

Ben nodded. “I see. At least a month, probably, if all goes well...and if it doesn’t…”

They finally reached the study at the back of the house. “Let’s sit down, Ben. Brandy?”

“No. I took a little too much yesterday, but thank you.”

“So I heard.”

Ben couldn't contain his surprise and dismay. “You did?”

Selah looked askance at him as they sat down. “I thought you were aware that Anna came to see me yesterday?”

“Yes, of course. But it’s none of my business and I wish you both the best in whatever you’ve decided. When I read your summons,” he changed the subject deftly, pulling the letter out of his pocket, “the formality of it puzzled me. You could have just asked me to come, Selah. This reads more like an impending reprimand from Washington.”

“Hmmm. Well, I didn’t write it, of course. My secretary did. I don’t think he knows we’re friends.”

“Of course,” Ben replied, feeling rather foolish suddenly, but vastly relieved to know that he still considered him a friend. Selah reached out for the letter and read it, then set it down on the table with a wry smile, taking another sip of his brandy before responding.

“You should have known those weren’t my own words. Nor my writing.”

“Right. Well,” said Ben...but then he let it go. It was either that, or give Selah some indication there was a reason to be upset with him. He was desperate to find out what he was really here for. “What did you want to see me about, then?”

“Anna.”

Ben felt the hair on his arms stand straight up. “Anna?” he repeated, a bit thickly. “I gather she told you what happened at the tavern yesterday, then. And yes, I will apologize. Maybe when you and I are done she can come down and talk to me.”

“She’s not here. Last night she moved into a townhome I have procured for her near the state house. She’s free to stay there as long as she would like.”

The marriage was over, then. Exactly what Ben feared all along. “I’m so sorry, Selah.”

“Are you?” he said in the most contentious of tones. He set his glass down and threw a challenging glare at Ben, who suddenly appeared as if he had seen a ghost.

So he knew, then. There was no doubt about it.

“What do you mean, are you? Why did you say it like that?”

Selah did not answer. He just kept staring.

“Why on earth would I not be sorry?” Ben demanded.

“You tell me. Why was she really at Newburgh? Because I asked her about her alleged intelligence activities there, the ones you mentioned, and she had no idea what I was talking about.”

Ben sat straight up as if he’d been punched. Suddenly his nerves were so frayed that he went straight on the defensive, setting aside all his usual politeness for the time being.

“Did Anna also happen to tell you that I forced her to come to Philadelphia against her will in order to speak to you? Or that I’ve been against a divorce from the very beginning, and made it clear to her at every opportunity? The disagreement has nearly ended our friendship on several occasions. So, yes, I’m extremely disappointed you couldn’t reconcile.”

“Ben-”

Ben hardened his tone and his glare. “Furthermore, I don’t appreciate you implying that I could possibly feel otherwise. I’ve done everything I could to ensure that she….” He suddenly ran out of words and energy, and sat there somewhat dumbfounded about this unexpected consequence of Anna actually respecting his wishes not to talk about the Ring. He should have seen foreseen this. He would have, if he wasn't so distracted by-

“Why was she really at Newburgh?” Selah repeated.

Ben replied tightly, “I already told you. Anna was simply obeying my orders not to talk about her involvement with my intelligence work. There's nothing else I can say.” He stood up abruptly. “Will you kindly show me to the door?”

“As you wish.” Selah stood up as well. He was perfectly calm. Maddeningly calm. They walked down the long hallway, footsteps loud on the black and white tile. Ben was far more angry with himself than with Selah. In fact, he didn't blame Selah at all. Any reasonable man would be highly suspicious under these circumstances. Ben had messed everything up. Again.

Selah said politely, “Thank you for bringing her to me. At the very least Anna reminded me of my favorite sermon your father gave to us in church when we were just boys. How love is sacred enough that its admission is always forgivable in His eyes, but the tradeoff is that we must always accept its denial with grace and humility. And generosity.”

Ben paused with his hand on the doorknob, wanting to leave, but even more so, desperately wanting to stay and unburden himself, as impossible as that seemed. He swallowed hard. “That was my favorite sermon, too. I’m surprised you remember it.”

Selah nodded. “I’ve never forgotten it. Reverend Tallmadge has a rare gift for words.”

“Indeed, he does.” Ben kept his hand on the knob, willing Selah to give him a reason not to turn it.

“Unfortunately I don’t have the same gift,” Selah said matter-of-factly, “and I apologize for the implication. And also for not being straightforward with you. A month ago I applied for the divorce and sent word to Anna, but she never received it. It’s been final for weeks now. She had no intention of reconciling, as you know, so before she left last night she told me the truth. About Abe...and about you.”

Ben was stunned. He said nothing; his hand dropped to his side without him noticing.

Selah waited a few beats before continuing. “You can imagine my shock at hearing this, and I obviously haven’t quite recovered yet. Perhaps it was too soon to have a discussion, but as I said earlier, I didn’t know when you would be back in Philadelphia.”

Ben had to try three times to get his words out. “What exactly did she tell you about me?” was all he could manage.

“That she’s in love with you. I assume you’re aware of this?”

“Yes,” Ben admitted without a trace of hesitation, to his credit. “She told me the day before we left Newburgh.”

Selah knew his friend well; Ben’s expression was now set in stone. He wasn’t going to elaborate any further, at any cost. The conversation was all but over.

But it was worth a try anyway. Gently Selah prompted, “She seems to think you feel the same. Is she mistaken?”

Ben’s eyes began to moisten again, and his head was spinning. “It doesn’t matter,” he said with finality. He reached out for the doorknob again, but Selah stopped him.

“Wait. Just a moment.”

Selah went into the next room and bent over a table for a few moments, writing something down, then came back with a piece of paper in his hand. The short length of time he was gone was more than enough to spur his friend into blurting out a confession upon his return.

Ben said quietly, almost to himself, “I told her I was in love with someone else, and that was the end of the discussion. But I'm not. Selah, I would rather have died a hundred times than betray you even once, no matter how I really feel. You know that.”

Selah waited a few moments, then patted his miserable friend on the shoulder, smiling slightly. He handed Ben the slip of paper.

“What’s this?” Ben asked, rubbing the sting out of his eyes.

“The address of Anna’s townhouse. Go to her when you’re ready.”

Ben gasped, then immediately handed the paper back. “Thank you, but...no, I can't.”

Selah was firm. “Reverend Tallmadge also said we must always be grateful to God for gracing us with His gifts, in whatever form we receive them. To be sorry for them would be a rejection of His wishes.”

“I know. But our friendship means more to me than that. I won’t give it up for anyone.”

Selah cocked his head, genuinely confused at Ben’s refusal. “Our friendship is not in danger. I lost Anna to Abe, not you. But my permission is based on one condition….you must first apologize for your behavior towards her yesterday, and swear to her that you will never let it happen again. It must never happen again. Will you promise me that?”

Ben nodded. “Yes, of course I will apologize, as soon as possible. We leave Wednesday for Yorktown, so it’s either before that, or...maybe never, I suppose. But Selah, that's all I’m going to do. Apologize, I mean. It won't go any further than that.”

Selah nodded. “Pull yourself together first. And shave. Your uniform is a mess. You look like you just fell out of bed. Am I mistaken, or do you have a hangover, Major Tallmadge?”

Ben tried to laugh, but failed. “Yes. Bad one.” He recalled the absurd instance of colliding with Caleb in his dark lodgings just an hour ago. Had it only been that long? It felt like a lifetime already.

“Look at me. You have my blessing, do you understand?”

Ben shook his head. “No.”

Selah handed the paper to him again, and stepped in front of the door. "We’re not leaving until you look at me. And I’m already late for a meeting.”

Ben still did not look at him, and Selah didn't ask again. He said gently, “Just know there is no one else I would trust with my...with Anna. Whatever you do, or say, just be honest with her. That's all I ask. No more lies.”

Ben started to lighten up a little, voice shaking when he finally looked up. "I promise you that. No more lies. I'm...I'm..."

“She is a lucky woman. First me, then you? Only Washington is left to succeed us.”

Ben raised his eyebrows. “God, let’s hope not.”

They both laughed, and then there was a knock on the other side of the door. .

“I have to go,” said Selah with finality.

“But, I-”

Selah pulled open the door and all but shoved his friend out into the sun.

“Godspeed on your mission. Both of them.”

"Thank you, Selah." Ben moved to embrace him like they used to do before the war. Selah was not quite ready for that level of forgiveness; he stiffened and held his hand out instead. Ben froze, but then shook it somberly, and walked down the stairs in a daze.

Caleb was waiting impatiently. “Well? What happened?”

Ben put a finger to his lips. “Wait.” He put on his gloves slowly and tried not to watch Selah exit the house and walk down to his waiting carriage. He did not spare a glance for either of his two friends, being in too much of a hurry to get to his meeting. The door shut, and the horses were off. Ben watched and waited for the clatter of hooves to die down before he turned to Caleb.

“You won’t believe what just happened. I’m not even sure I do.” He handed him the slip of paper.

“What’s this? An address.”

“That’s where Anna is living now. The divorce is already final, and Selah, well...he gave me permission to see her.”

Caleb nearly dropped his hat in shock. “Are you shittin me, Tallboy? You had the balls to ask him?”

“No! Of course not. Anna told him she wanted to be with me. And he practically ordered me to go see her.”

Caleb said nothing, he just stared at his friend in disbelief.

“Honest to God,” Ben sputtered, “that’s what he said. You should have seen my face!”

“Christ, Ben, I can see your face now and you still look like you’re heading to your own execution. This doesn’t make you happy?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Ben shook his head. “After the way I treated her yesterday? She’ll never accept me now. She won’t possibly believe that I, that I…” No more lies. “That I love her.” It was very strange to say it out loud, after so much denial.

Caleb grinned. “Oh. She knows it. Don’t worry.”

“How? I’ve been very clear that we would never get together. And I was such an arse about it, too.”

“That’s why god created apologies, Tallboy. She knows. Trust me.”

Ben was incredulous. “You told her! When?”

“Nope. She told me in the carriage yesterday. She’s a smart woman. Probably too smart for the likes of you.”

Ben nodded sagely. “I don’t doubt that. But you are my dearest friend, Caleb. I don’t want to have to choose between the two of you. I need to know with absolute certainty that you are going to be alright with this. If not, well…”

“The only thing I’m not okay with is your looks right now. I’m embarrassed to be seen with ya. You’re hardly fit to woo a whore, much less Anna Strong.”

Ben smiled as he looked down at himself and rubbed a hand across his stubble. “I should get a new outfit, eh? Special occasion and all.”

“And a bath.”

Ben got very serious all of a sudden, and turned face his friend straight on. “I don’t understand, Caleb. You were so against this, even back when we knew for certain they were going to divorce. Why are you so excited for me now?”

Caleb looked taken aback. “Are you serious? What was I supposed to do, encourage you to unbuckle your breeches and snog her in the wagon?”

“No, no, no,” Ben said, holding up his gloved hand. “Never mind. I’m sorry I asked.” He got up on his horse. “Thank you for looking out for me. Now, there’s a clothier on Walnut and 2nd. Probably where Selah got all his fancy suits.”

Caleb hauled himself up. “We need breakfast and a drink first. Or five.”

“I’ll just have one. But you can have five.”

“City Tavern?”

Ben grimaced. “No, I don’t think I’ll ever go back there again. Let’s go to Chestnut Street Tavern.”

“Fine. But I ain’t moving yet, Ben. This horse is staying put until you make me a promise.”

“Alright,” said Ben contritely, a bit desperate to both make amends and to get going on their errand. “I prom-”

“You’re done lying. Not a single false word again. Not to me, and definitely not to Anna. Or Abe. Or Washington. And most importantly, to yourself. Are we agreed?”

Ben looked Caleb in the eye, feeling all kinds of emotions washing over him from head to toe. He had been a horrible friend lately, and he was happy to put these days behind him once and for all.

Ben took a deep breath. “No more lies. To anyone. You have my word, which I swear upon my mother’s grave. And Caleb? I’m sorry for everything. I mean it. Thank you for setting me straight.”  
  
“You’re welcome.” He grinned as he turned his horse around. “Let’s go. I'm hungry. And you're buying again for making me get up so early.”

Ben grinned back. “You're such an arsehole.”

Caleb laughed. “Yeah. Only to my friends!"

\----------------------------------

 

 

The End


End file.
